“I suppose. But I’m glad things worked out this way.” I ran my thumbs along the sides of his palms as we faced each other on the couch. “I’m grateful that your mom came into Hal’s, that she gave us that push. Honestly, Renn, I thought about you every day. I’d look at my tattoo and think about being with you, all the times we laughed and talked. Those memories helped keep me sane.”
He leaned down and rested his forehead against mine before replying. “I thought of you all the time, too. At first, it was fine, but then, after so long, thinking about you, instead of being with you, was…hard. I don’t want just thoughts. I want you. Even if you’re…dark.”
He didn’t sound angry, more like reconciled, and it seemed the most natural thing in the world then to lean into his arms. I nestled myself sideways in the crook of his shoulder. “I always thought I’d see you again. Even on Halloween, just a few hours before you showed up, Zach made a comment about how I needed to stop being scared of wanting you. I’m sorry I was afraid and waited too long. But you always had my heart.”
“And you’re ready now?”
I nodded. “I’m still scared, and I’m starting to accept I always will be, but if you’ll have me, I’d like to try.”
Renn chuffed out a laugh before reaching up to run a hand over my head. “Well, damn.” A rumbly groan escaped him as he pulled on my arm and dragged me into his lap, splayed across his jeans and breathing into his plain white tee. His lemon tea tree oil scent invaded me. “I don’t see how I could possibly stay mad at you when you put it out there like that. Also—even if this makes me a sucker—I probably would have forgiven you for anything. I’ve missed you that fucking much. It’s really just a cherry on the sundae that you have a better reason than just changing your mind or having second thoughts about us.”
“Really?” It was almost too much to hope for.
“Yeah. It’ll probably be a while before I’m totally over those eight fucking months of silence, but it means something to know it wasn’t because you didn’t want me.”
“Trust me, wanting you is not an issue.”
We sat there for a moment, breathing each other in before he asked, “Did you see him? Henri? After he sent the texts?”
“Fuck no. I changed my number a week later. That’s why I never got your messages. Zach texted him from his phone to tell him to stay away, said he’d knock him out if Henri came anywhere near me. For a while I was nervous he’d show up at the apartment or Hal’s, but it never happened. It’s possible those birthday texts I got were just him being a dick, or drunk texting. He’s also seen Zach easily break up several bar fights, so maybe he took those warnings to heart. Whatever happened, I’m glad.”
“Damn. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“No, Renn. I’m sorry. For not realizing how much pain I was causing you. For believing the whole time I was working my way back to you without considering how my actions would look from your perspective—”
“It’s alright.”
“No. Just because you understand why I did it, doesn’t make it alright.” A fresh wash of regret came over me. Renn had had too much blind faith in me before, and I was going to make sure he knew what he was getting into this time. “I want you, but you need to realize that I’m still healing. My behavior was careless, and I have no excuse other than to say that I’m still learning how to be in a healthy relationship. I’m learning how to have a conflict without shutting down or running away. How to express my emotions and not just swallow everything. To share my burdens with someone and take on theirs in a balanced way. I developed some terrible coping tactics being with Henri—”
“Sadie, stop.” His face softened as he pulled me closer. “It’s okay.” He folded me in his embrace, rubbing my back.
After several minutes of silence, I dared to murmur into his shoulder. “I might have had my reasons, but it doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you.”
Renn’s expression grew thoughtful, and I held my breath as he replied in his deep, steady voice.
“I was hurt. But it’s my choice to give you the benefit of the doubt. Those things you’re working on aren’t all ofyou, Sadie. Who you also are is the woman who helped me stay calm when I found out some terrible things about my uncle. You’re the survivor who has been doing everything in her power to move on from emotional abuse and reclaim her life and future. You’re the friend who is always there for Zach, and the badass who stood up to the PTSA mean girls at the 5K. You’re the person who reignited my creativity, got me to laugh, listened to me talk. For a few short months, I felt like the most complete version of myself and the man I want to be.” He tipped my chin with his pointer finger. “I see you, Sadie,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “You’re the woman I want to be with.”
As usual, he’d said the perfect thing. Laying against him, I felt hopeful. I’d done the work since those texts, been religious about my therapy. Henri didn’t live in my head anymore. I wasn’t the girl who wanted to run away. Sheryl might have given us a push by showing up at Hal’s, but I wouldn’t squander this opportunity. No more letting my fears keep me from being happy. I was giving this relationship with Renn a real shot.
We sat likethat, with my legs across his knees like he was Santa Claus, for about ten minutes, enjoying the proximity, moving past the worst hurts of our separation.
Our conversation moved toward filling in the details of what had been going on in our lives the past eight months. I told Renn about my classes and my new coffee shop gig, both of which I loved, and updated him on Zach and Teddy, including the wonderful news that they had moved in together and were expecting a baby via surrogate.
“Wow. That’s amazing. Zach is going to make one heck of a dad.”
“I know. Teddy too. They’re not talking about it much yet, since it’s early days. Just found out a few weeks ago that it took. So if you see him, don’t mention it.”
Renn filled me in on the studio, including how the insurance money from the burst pipe situation had helped in the long run since it gave them capital to tackle some deferred maintenance projects. I knew things still weren’t great with his family, but at least the business was doing well. He told me he’d visited his dad’s gravesite for the first time since the funeral, but shut the topic down quickly after mentioning it, apparently just as reluctant as before to talk about his grief. His mentioning his dad brought something else to my mind.
“Hey, Renn?”
“Yeah?”
“Why does your mom call you Tommy?”
“Because that’s my name.”
“What?”
