“Can I tell you something that happened to me today?” I asked.
“Of course.”
I felt the familiar knot of shame wash over me as I thought about earlier. “At the finish line of my race, I looked around for Henri.” Contemplating my ex’s hold on me always made me a little sick. “I hate that it happened, but for a moment, my brain reflexively thought he might be there. Because there’s a part of me, a part I wish didn’t exist, that still seeks Henri’s approval.”
“Henri, that’s the guy you left in Boston?”
“Yes.” Had I really never said his name to Renn?
“Damn, that sucks. I’m sorry you still feel like that sometimes.”
“Yeah, well, making me work extra hard for his love and affection was kind of his MO. It’s a tough habit to break.” I stopped us again so I could look Renn in the eye. “The reason I’m telling you is that it’s something that still affects me, even if I don’t like to talk about it.”
Renn connected the dots. “Like me with my dad?”
I nodded. “I understand not wanting to speak about things you’d rather leave in the past.”
He reached out to grab a tendril of hair that had escaped my ponytail, worrying it between his fingers before wrapping it around the rubber band. “I’m glad you get it.”
“Renn, I think part of the reason our connection is so strong is because we both have these things underneath the surface other people can’t see. My grandma always used to say, ‘like recognizes like.’”
We reached my sedan, and I dug in my zipper pocket to retrieve my keys. Renn stood a foot away at first, before slowly inching closer. I leaned back against the door as he brought his arms up on either side of my head to rest along the roof of the car, effectively penning me in.
He felt unbearably close, even though no part of us was touching. He leaned toward my neck as he spoke, hot breath making me shiver. “Thank you for telling me about Henri. But for the record, I don’t believe our connection is forged by some hidden-beneath-the-surface pain. It exists because standing right in front of me, very much above-the-surface, is one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.” His lips skirted my jawline and the rough traces of his stubble grazed my skin as his deep voice whispered in my ear. “I don’t have to look too hard to find reasons to want to be with you. And I know we’re taking our time, and I’m not trying to push you…but you should know that much, at least.”
I’d grown comfortable in situations with Renn where we spoke and acted more like friends, but whenever things took this turn, I still got all tied up inside.
His gaze was so intense I had to turn my head away. He held himself in place, maybe hoping I’d respond with words, perhaps just enjoying our closeness. Finally, he brushed his lips in the hint of a kiss on my shoulder before leaning back, running one hand along my side, ending the caress by tugging the keys from my hand. He unlocked the door and opened it for me. I fell into the seat like a lifeline, still avoiding his eyes.
“Thanks. See you at my next appointment,” I said breathlessly as I clicked my seatbelt in place. I reversed out of the spot, waving as I drove off.
Renn was all in on exploring a relationship, but what I’d said to Pete an hour ago was still true. Nothing was definitive. There was so much about me Renn didn’t know.How could he be so sure?Boston had left me with too many scars to share his unfailing optimism.
I gripped the steering wheel. I almost wished Renn hadn’t expressed his feelings so freely. They scared me. His willingness to put himself out there scared me. His blind faith that we’d find a way to make things work scared me.
The fact that I hadn’t mentioned Henri’s name to him before today scared me.
CHAPTER
Ten
Late January 2015
Iarrived twenty minutesbefore my scheduled appointment at Studio Obscurum. It was a Friday and my paycheck had deposited into my account that morning. I’d been stoked when I saw my bank balance—large enough that I could register for some online courses. My biology degree only came with so many basic education credits, and I had some work to do to get another bachelor’s in a field I was legitimately excited about.
When I’d initially entered college at nineteen, I’d had no idea what I wanted to do as a career. My primary objective had been escaping my grandma’s house, so a full-time job had been a necessity to afford both school and dorm life. Biology had been the major of both my parents. I’d been told they’d met while doing their undergraduate study at UCSF and that they’d gone on to earn master’s degrees, which led to their humanitarian work setting up sanitation projects abroad. I’d picked biology in an impulse of wanting to feel like my parents were somehow part of my college experience, but toward the beginning of my senior year, I’d admitted to myself I had no actual interest. However, without an alternative I was passionate about, I completed the degree rather than stick around for an extra year or two racking up more loans.
But now I knew. The events of the past few months had revealed my calling, and I couldn’t wait to get started. Come spring quarter, I’d be an undergrad again. After registering, I’d ordered books, gone for a run, and cleaned the apartment.Fuck you, Henri, I was back.
My restless energy was what had brought me early to the shop. Renn had told me he’d finish most of the work during this session. The final one in a few weeks would just be to confirm it had healed properly, ensure no touch-ups were needed, and take final pictures.
When I arrived, Renn wasn’t there yet, but since it was two p.m. on a Friday, there were two other artists working, including Archie. He gave me a tentative smile and a wave, saying I could wait in the chair by Renn’s station. I had been sitting there ten minutes when Pete walked in from the back. Even though I’d known he co-owned the business, it was the first time I’d seen him there.
“Hey, Pete.”
“Sadie. I didn’t realize you were coming today. It’s great to see you.” Pete sat down next to me, waving goodbye to the artist whose name I didn’t know as she left the building. “How did you end up doing Saturday?”
“Good. I came in third in my division.”
