Page 4 of The Outline


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I had seen it, and it was beautiful. Months ago, I’d asked him to design a tattoo with the themes of strength and renewal, with the caveat that it needed to include a blue lotus. He had sent me a design that had the lotus, but also an ouroboros. I had never heard the word “ouroboros” before, and Renn had explained it was basically a snake eating itself, usually in a circle, and what we now thought of commonly as an infinity symbol evolved from ancient etchings of the ouroboros.

Renn’s tattoo sketch was told in four square panels, like a comic book. In the upper left panel, there was a chain-covered brick wall, something pushing it from behind. The upper right panel showed the beginnings of the lotus and ouroboros breaking through the bricks, straining the chains. In the bottom left panel, a vibrantly shaded ouroboros wrapped around a blue lotus busted out from behind the wall. By the fourth and final panel, the snake and lotus had obliterated the wall and chains. It was colorful, and although I’d initially been skeptical of the idea of multiple boxes, the final rendering looked incredible, different from any tattoo I’d seen when I’d searched for ideas.

“I love it,” I said. “I appreciate you going back and forth with me so much to get there.”

“Like I told you in ourmany, many DMs…” Renn grinned. “It’s the first time in a while I can remember truly enjoying the planning. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll work with me. No matter what happens, it feels good to be so invested in a project again.”

Because my ideas were so abstract, we’d had to work through more on the front end than was typical. We had exchangeda lotof messages—so amid solving tattoo dilemmas, there had been many eye-rolling GIFs, surprise face emojis, and stupid dad jokes to break up the impasses.No, Renn, I didn’t want to consider that this tattoo might look better if it took up the entirety of my hip—I hope you weren’t being serious about that suggestion!

Our connection had been immediate. We had volleyed and bantered and negotiated, and I’d reveled in every LOL I’d drawn from him. Even in this moment, confronted with blown expectations of his age and appearance, I still somehow sensed we were in sync.

But I’d also spent the better part of the past ten years being told constantly that I was needy and annoying. Even with months of therapy under my belt, a constant creep of self-doubt remained, so his emphasis on our “many, many DMs” struck me.

Which is why I felt compelled to ask, “Are you sure you didn’t mind…all my messages? My questions?”

Renn seemed confused. “Huh? Of course not.” His lips flattened as his forehead scrunched up. “Why would I mind? I really enjoyed talking about your tattoo, and I want to get it right just as much as you do. Besides, some of those texts were pretty great.” He paused, eyes opening wider and smile returning. “Like, your bullet-pointed list of reasons for not including a wolf or bear pawprint as part of the design was some top-notch entertainment—”

“C’mon. That would have looked stupid on me.”

“Agreed. But that doesn’t mean your stern DM of ‘I’m not Ed Sheeran’ wasn’t funny.”

My jaw ticked. “No offense to Ed. But he’s made some questionable choices with his ink—including the pawprint.” I looked around as though to ensure the pop music gods weren’t nearby to strike me down before adding, “Plus, his music is pretty basic.”

Renn chuckled, admiration in his eyes. “See, you’re proving my point right now.” He looked meaningfully at me. “Nothing about working with you has been difficult.”

I couldn’t doubt his sincerity as I shook my head. “Thanks. I wasn’t trying to make it weird. This is just new territory for me.”

“You’re fine. I’m about to spend months stabbing you repeatedly with my magic color gun.” He lifted his forehead. “It would be strange if you didn’t have concerns, especially since this is your first tattoo.”

“Okay. But how aboutyoumake it weird the next time, so I don’t feel so bad.”

He huffed out a laugh before smoothing out the sketch of his design on the table between us, back in business mode. “Usually, when customers want a symbol of renewal or moving on or whatever, I suggest some kind of phoenix rising. It intrigued me that your wish list beyond the lotus was super vague, except you clearly statedno phoenix.”

“Yeah. I, um, know someone with a phoenix tattoo and didn’t want the reminder. Besides, your design is better.”

His cheek lifted at the compliment, dimple on point, not pressing me to elaborate on the phoenix. Instead, he offered, “I’m glad you let me go with the four-panel. It’s a bit of a risk, but I think the final product will be something special.”

“Well, ‘a bit of risk’ is what I was going for. Like I said in my messages, I want to symbolize moving forward in my life. I figure inking my intentions on my body permanently will provide some motivation.”

“You’d be surprised how many of my clients say something like that. I’m glad when I can help.” Renn focused his brown eyes on me. “So, we’re good then…we’re doing this?” I hesitated only a second before saying yes and shoving my hands back in my pockets. He gave me an encouraging nod and told me he needed to print out some forms.

And even though he’d probably started kindergarten while I was in high school, the decision to move forward felt right. The tattoo was a gamble for me, so it made sense that the artist would be as well.

Renn returned with a stack of paperwork that seemed an appropriate amount to purchase a small city or perhaps adopt one of the Obama girls. “We’re pretty intense about liability here,” he joked. “Seriously, look it over. It tells you more than you ever wanted to learn about getting a tattoo and aftercare, all that stuff. Let me know if you have questions. Otherwise, you can sign it and bring it back with you when you come in to do the outline next week.”

The outline would be a new beginning. That was what I needed.

The next day,I leaned against the oven in the apartment I shared with my best friend Zach, thinking. After I’d left the shop, my adrenaline-fueled excitement over the decision to go for it eventually became overshadowed by unease over that awareness I’d sensed when Renn had smiled at me.

The whole time we’d been messaging, I hadn’t anticipated what it might be like to meet him in person. I’d been lively and free within the buffer zone created by digital distance. All those previous texts and DMs seemed a lot more fraught now that I’d put a face to the name. Now that I’d seen that fucking smile. That dimple. How had I never considered that Renn would eventually bereal?

I peeled off the outer wrapper and pressed a spoon against the thin cardboard of the canned cinnamon rolls I was holding.Pop! The dough started oozing through the seams of the tube and the sight seemed like a metaphor for how I felt now—still raw and doughy, but with that first initial pressure released. I’d come a long way since I’d been back in Los Angeles, but still had so much more to do before I’d be fully baked. Let alone ready for frosting.

And anything beyond a professional relationship with Renn—with anybody—would definitely count as frosting.

It had been ages since I’d felt even a twinge of attraction toward someone. Flirting and dating and romance weren’t on my radar. I didn’t have a timeline on when those things could be part of my life, but I assumed they should probably comeafterI had an actual career path, and certainly after I’d regained more of my confidence and self-worth.

I’d been bartending at Hal’s since January, biding my time while I figured out my next move, working to get past the damage done by my last relationship. I was toying with the idea of going back to school but didn’t want to make the commitment until I had a better sense of what I might like to study. I already had a biology degree I wasn’t using and I didn’t want to risk paying for another bachelor’s in a field I was unsure of. I just needed to get in the right headspace to decide.