Zach’s expression grew concerned and I recognized my friend from our last day in Boston. “Do you need me to go in and punch someone?”
“No. Just hush.” I made big eyes at Zach and implored him with a glance to stand down.
Zach leaned in behind me as we continued listening, tacitly in agreement that hearing what they had to say was a higher value than not eavesdropping.
“…Renn, no matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you.”
“Then stop worrying. I’m okay with not having things all tidy right now. When I’m with her… Just trust me, whatever the obstacles, she’s worth it.”
Zach squeezed my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “It sounds like he really likes you, doll. I think you found a good one.” I closed my eyes, going cold. I knew Zach just wanted the best for me. Inside the shop, only Archie seemed to share my own concerns.
“Renn, if this is what you want, I support it—”
“Sadie’s been pretty honest about her past, Archie.”Clearly, I haven’t been sufficiently honest, if you think you have enough of the story to decide all I need is a little time and patience.“I won’t tell you because it’s not my place. I understand what you’re saying, and I love you for it. But with how she makes me feel—I’d be crazy not to try.”
Archie didn’t reply. I imagined him nodding or something similar, and a few seconds later I heard the distinctive sound of the two men slapping each other’s backs. A conversation-ending bro hug.
I crumpled against the brick wall and put my head between my knees, more than a little afraid I’d pass out. Zach held me from the side, so I didn’t fall all the way over.
“Alright, doll, I don’t know what’s happening right now, but I’m gonna go in and grab your sweater really fast and then I’m taking you out of here.”
I held myself against the cold exterior as I heard Zach enter the studio, casually locating my sweater. Renn said it had been nice seeing him again, totally unaware I was falling apart just beyond the doorway. Zach gathered me up after he exited and practically threw me into his car.
“Okay, Sadie, what’s going on? All I heard was that gorgeous man tell his friend how much he liked you, but you’re acting like you just watchedMarley and Me.”
I dragged in my breath and gave Zach a tortured stare. “I don’t think he gets it.”
“Renn? Gets what?”
“Me.”
“What do you mean?”
I replayed Renn and Archie’s conversation in my mind. “Well, for starters, I’ve told him where I’m at in life, that I need to make certain things a priority. Even if the timing was better, there’s still where my head is after all the shit with Henri. I’ve explained to Renn some of that, about Boston, but obviously not enough.”
Zach still hadn’t started the car yet. He reached out to put a hand on mine before asking, “Why would you think that?”
“Because Renn fundamentally does not understand that I’m in this place in my life because I spent years being dragged down and feeling like a piece of garbage.”
Memories assaulted me. Henri introducing me as his girlfriend and talking about the future. Telling me he loved me, that I was special, that he couldn’t live without me. Doing just enough to convince me we were fine, all while trying to dictate every aspect of my life. Discouraging me from working and controlling my finances. Telling me what to wear, what to eat, when to work out, and then critiquing every aspect of my appearance.
“…I lapped up scraps, any sign I had pleased him. By the time you helped me leave, I’d surrendered all my own desires in the service of being molded into Henri’s idea of the perfect girlfriend.”
“I know, doll. But I think you’re missing the key fact—Iwas there, but Renn wasn’t. The Sadie he knows is not that girl you just described. You realize that, right?”
Did I? Ihadleft. But I still experienced that shame deep in my bones. It wasn’t just a terrible memory I’d learned to live with. Every day, it felt fresh. Every day, I was still a little bit…humiliated.
It had been almost a year. I was in therapy. I’d reclaimed my running. I worked. I laughed and joked around. I was looking into school and getting excited about planning career goals. And after talking with Renn about my childhood today, plus seeing him with his brothers, I was getting a glimmer of an idea about what that future could be.
There were long stretches—during movie marathons or coffee dates with Zach, in the middle of an entertaining shift at Hal’s—where I felt normal. But the idea that I wasn’t still sporting an open wound was laughable. If Renn thought I was anywhere close to fully healed, then he didn’t grasp the situation nearly as well as he needed to.
The irony was that Renn himself provided the most balm for my bruises. It wasn’t the therapy or the running, the times with Zach, or the shifts at Hal’s that had penetrated my walls the deepest. It was the warmth that pooled in my belly when I was around Renn. Renn putting me at ease, Renn singing for me, Renn declaring himself my equal, Renn looking past whatever icky parts I had on display, Renn bringing his smile and his light into my world, unreservedly.
The timing was a beast. I couldn’t force my recovery. I couldn’t be whole for Renn just because he thought I was. I couldn’t squish myself into another box for another man, even someone as amazing as him.
“Zach, how can I make him understand?” I gulped hard as I thought about the moments in the studio. “He almost kissed me today.” Zach looked giddy and started to make a clapping gesture, but I shut him down with a shake of my head. “I saidalmost. He pulled me close and we were holding hands. But it wasn’t just holding hands. It was so…much. Touching him feels…I can’t explain it. And it seemed so right for him to be close.” I took a beat, angrily squeezing a fist into my palm. “And I wanted it…I really did…until I didn’t…because I couldn’t get Henri out of my mind!” I groaned and leaned my head back, bending my neck as far as it would go against the headrest of Zach’s sedan.
“Sadie, I really need you to hear me here.” Zach put his finger under my chin and forced me to meet his gaze. “There’s nothing you need to make Renn understand. You don’t need to be whole and perfect for someone to love you. You’re one hundred percent lovable just the way you are.”
