Archie was still mumbling under his breath. I couldn’t make it out entirely, but I definitely heard the words “motherfucker,” “two days in the bathroom,” and “burrito conspiracy” in there. Archie was certainly a character, and Renn looked at him with unapologetic fondness.
I imagined the other artist had worked at the shop for a while. And even though Archie seemed in good humor, I caught his keen eyes staring at me later when I laid back down on the table. As Renn got in the zone, hands moving confidently above my thigh, I turned my head and caught Archie’s gaze directly.
He stared at me, and I knew. He had seen me in Renn’s embrace. And he was wondering what was going on between us.
Join the fucking club, Archie.
December 31, 2013
“Zach, obviously I’mthrilled to see you, but this is crazy. You realize that, right? I mean, why are you here? Did something happen?” I looked around at the raucous New Year’s crowd. Luckily, we’d snagged a corner table so we could hear each other.
“Hell, yes, something happened!” Zach whisper-hissed. “We were on the phone the day after Christmas, and you sounded fucking miserable. I’ve heard you like that before, but something in your voice got me worried enough to hop on a plane. It just took a few days to make arrangements for Hal’s.”
“What are you talking about?” I was racking my brain, trying to remember.
“Are you kidding me right now?” Zach shook his head, face turned to stone as he leaned across the finely polished wood of the tabletop. The bar we were meeting Henri’s work colleagues in was definitely a few steps above Hal’s in the class department. “Doll, you called me crying because Henri—your fucking boyfriend that you live with and is therefore supposed to be your biggest fan—got you a Fitbit, a fat-measuring bathroom scale, and a motivational weight loss journal for Christmas… You’re a size six for Christ’s sake!”
I remembered. It had been an awful morning. Henri said he’d done it out of love, pointing out that he’d also purchased a Fitbit for himself. I’d asked him point-blank if he thought I was too fat, and he’d been quick to reply, “Of course not, darling, but you have to pay attention, especially now that you’re in your thirties.” That had almost made sense until he followed with, “God bless men who say this, but I am not one of those boyfriends who can say I’d love you at any size. I can’t have a fat girlfriend. I want you to stay cute. Because you are adorable, darling. And because I love you.”
Yep. Merry Christmas. I’d gone out jogging then, pushing until my new Fitbit hit twenty thousand steps. The next day, still smarting, I did something I’d stopped myself from doing every other time Henri had made similar remarks. Every other time he’d made me feel like I should be grateful just to have him, I’d stayed quiet. But that day, in my humiliated stupor, I’d called Zach and told him exactly what Henri had done.
At the time, Zach had listened and made me feel better, said all the right things. I’d thought it was done. But now, here he was.
“You scared me, Sades. I didn’t want to say anything against Henri on the phone because you’d just change the subject or get mad at me. I can’t stand listening to you defend him anymore.”
“He also got me a Starbucks card,” I mumbled. “And some perfume.”
“Sadie! I need you to listen.” The bar was getting more crowded, and Zach was practically in my lap as he spoke urgently. “This isnotnormal. Do you hear me? This is not how a loving partner behaves. Maybe Henri was different before, but whatever has gone on in the past—and I’m guessing there is a lot of messed up shit you haven’t told me—what’s happening now is not okay.”
“Zach, I know you mean well. I really do. So—I say this with love—stay the fuck out of my relationship. You live in California. I’m sorry I scared you on the phone. I was having a bad day. But one bad day is not a reason to throw away eight years.”
“Sadie, it’s not one bad day. I didn’t fly three thousand miles for one bad day. It’s because, little by little, you’ve been disappearing.”
I scoffed. “That’s a bit much, don’t you think?”
“Not at all. I’ll admit that when you first left for Boston, I was worried. You didn’t really have a coherent plan. But hey, you got here and started working, and I thought you’d figure things out. Back then, I recognized you. I mean, you hadn’t found thatpurposeyou were looking for, but you were still Sadie—”
“I’m still me.”
“No. No, you’re fucking not. You’re like a Sadie shell, a husk. When you met Henri, I thought, okay, she’s met someone. Good. She’s always wanted love, a family or whatever. But then you stopped calling as much. You moved from that apartment you had, away from the roommates you considered friends, in with Henri. A year later, you don’t work anymore. And every time we talk, it’s like your life gets smaller and smaller.”
“I’m a homebody. Big deal.”
But Zach was far from done. “And Henri is always picking at you. Tiny paper cuts, but they are adding up. The past few years, it’s been hard to get you on the phone at all. I get one-word answers to my texts, and you only want to talk about me, never yourself. Do you even realize it’s been almost two years since I’ve seen you in person? Did you even notice that your life is passing you by?”
Had it been two years? The days were bleeding together. Ever since Henri had effectively banished me from hanging out with him in his post-work happy hours, I’d mostly just left the house for my daily jogs and errands. I watched TV. I read. I tried to cook and clean the apartment, not that my efforts ever satisfied Henri. But there were good parts too. Henri could be very sweet. He occasionally brought me flowers or small gifts. He told me about his day. And sometimes, even when he was being beastly, I liked the fact that I was the only one he let his mask fall for. It was twisted, but somehow, being the recipient of Henri’s harshness made me feel special, since I was the only one who saw it.
“Earth to Sadie.” Zach snapped his fingers in front of my nose to grab my attention. “I can see you making excuses in your head. That’s why I got my sweet ass on a plane and came all this way, and why I didn’t tell you I was coming. I didn’t want to give you any time to prepare a façade of bullshit. None of this is okay. Henri doesn’t treat you right.”
My hackles rose. Henri and I were building something. I was sure of it. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but we were still together. We were making it work. So what if he commented on my thighs? Or didn’t think I made great conversation? He was probably right. My thighs could be a little tighter, and I could try harder with his friends. What did Zach even know about anything? He went through men like water.
“Zach, I’m sorry to tell you that you wasted a trip. I’m fine. I really am. I shouldn’t have worried you on Christmas. It was just a bad day.”
Zach looked at the table in defeat. “Well, I’m not sorry you called, doll. I’ll never be sorry you call when you need me. I’m just sorry I can’t get you to see it my way.”
“You didn’t really think you were going to come here, throw some confetti in my face, and get me to give up on Henri, did you?”
He exhaled heavily. “No. But I had to try. And hopefully, even me trying will make you think about it.”