We were almosttwo hours in when Renn thought we should take a break. We’d mostly been exchanging funny childhood stories, staying away from the heaviness of our earlier conversation. Renn now knew about my first kiss in middle school, and I’d gotten an earful about the great bowl haircut of 1998. I got up to check the progress in a long mirror next to my favorite jarred beaver…opossum? Squirrel?
All the filling in so far was in gray-scale, shades of black elevating the outline to a genuine work of art. It was coming along.
“So, when did you get back to California?”
“What?” Engrossed in the mirror, I didn’t hear Renn at first.
“How long have you been home in LA? If it’s okay to ask.” He folded his left arm across his chest and pressed it with his right wrist, momentarily distracting me with the tight flex of his forearms.
“Oh. Sure. You could probably guess. When everything went to hell…with the guy…it just made sense to come back here to figure things out. That was at the beginning of this year. My best friend Zach basically threw me on a plane to LAX and brought me home. I’m not sure I would have made it out of there without him.”
“Ah… So, it sounds like you and Zach are…really close—” Renn cringed. “Um…sorry. That just came out. Totally not my business.” He suddenly became captivated with arranging his instruments on the silver wheelie cart next to the table.
I chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. We’re definitely close. But just friends. Friends and roommates.” I didn’t elaborate, unwilling to out Zach without asking—not that the dude had so much as a pinky toe in the closet.Why are you clarifying this for Renn at all, Sadie? It’s like you want things to stay dangerous.
“Sounds like a great guy.”
“He’s certainly done a lot to help me get back on my feet. He was the one that got me hired back at Hal’s. That’s where we met, when I worked there during college. Zach never left.”
Renn turned toward the sink so he could wash his hands before putting his gloves on, waving to show I could lie back down. “Ride or die friends are gold,” he said, gesturing across the room at Archie. The blond man was wearing headphones, oblivious to our conversation as he cleaned up his workstation. “That asshole’s been in my life as long as I can remember. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
I smiled as I pictured the giant muffin and coffee Zach had left for me on the counter that morning, along with a note telling me to have fun getting colored on. “I understand completely.”
“It’s lucky you got your old job back at least, when you came home.”
“Lucky? You don’t think it’s kind of sad? Like, I’m in the same spot I was in when I was in my early twenties, and the years in between didn’t amount to much.”
Renn appeared to think that over, but then shook his head as I laid down in front of him. “That’s just one perspective. You could think of it as more of a do-over. Like, at least it’s better to start back from the same spot rather than ten steps backward.”
“Only this time I’m starting with more wrinkles.” I laughed and reached my hands to my cheeks, pulling the skin back to my ears tightly.
“Haha. You’re not exactly the Crypt Keeper.” He glanced at me with obvious appreciation.
“Easy for you to say. You have your whole life ahead of you. It’s not really about the wrinkles. Just that it’s no small thing to realize you’ve literally wasted years.”
“But you’re only in your thirties, right? Like, what, thirty-one?”
“Thirty-four.”
“Okay then. You’re not even thirty-five, so you still have a lot of good things ahead.”
“I hope so, Renn. I love your optimism.”
“And I love your sense of humor, even though you use it a lot to poke at yourself.” He grabbed my knee to turn it toward him, moving the magnifying glass over as he eyeballed the tattoo from above. “Whatever you’ve been through, you seem to have come through alright… More than alright.” That last part was said in a whisper, and I caught him from the corner of my eye as he dragged his gaze along my body, clearly believing I couldn’t see him from my current angle.
The spark between us flared unabated. We seemed unable to stop stretching the boundaries, testing the push and pull. As determined as I was to leave the connection unacknowledged between us, I couldn’t deny it.
“It’s so crazy, Renn. I never think of myself as being alright. Because of Boston. And even before. But when you say it, I almost believe you.”
He smiled in reply before leaning down to get back to work, leaving me to my thoughts.
Most days were still hard. Working through the past in therapy. Struggling to envision and build my future. But with each passing minute I spent with Renn, my insecurities quieted further. He was waking up mental muscles I hadn’t flexed in years. With him, I was clever…smart…funny…strong. Desirable. I spent more time contemplating the possibilities of the years ahead of me, instead of focusing on the regrets of the ones in the rearview.
“I can hear how hard you’re thinking down there,” Renn spoke from above the light.
“Actually, I was just considering what you said earlier…” I recovered with the half-truth. “That you don’t think thirty-four is too old to still do things.”
“Jesus, again with the age thing, Methuselah. You’re still young.”
