"I know that." I rub at my eyes, smearing whatever makeup survived dinner. "Logically, I know that."
"And he stopped. Without you having to fight or scream or?—"
"I know!" I snap, then immediately regret it. "Sorry. It's just—what if this is the beginning of the same pattern? What if I'm just falling for another asshole with a different face?"
A pause hangs between us. I can practically hear Tessa choosing her words carefully.
"Look, I'm not saying marry the guy. But maybe this is a sign he's actually decent? Most guys would've gotten defensive or made you feel crazy. Besides some guys like it rough, and trust me… it can't be really good."
I sink onto my kitchen counter, suddenly exhausted. "He said I make him want to tear down his walls. That he can't walk away from whatever this is."
"Wow. That's... intense."
"Yeah." I twist a strand of hair around my finger nervously. "And the thing is... part of me still wants him. Even after I freaked out. How fucked up is that?"
"It's not fucked up to want someone who respects your boundaries," Tessa says gently. "Your trauma doesn't have to define every relationship you have."
Easy for her to say. Trauma isn't something you just shrug off like last season's coat.
"He. Is. Not. Mr. Colton," she says.
"Yes, he is not Mr. Colton," I whisper, testing how the words feel in my mouth. "But he scares me."
"Could it be because you really like him. A lot."
I let out a long sigh, running a hand through my hair. "Damn it, Tess. You're right. I do like him. That's exactly why he scares me."
"Finally, she admits it!" Tessa's laugh crackles through the phone. "So what now?"
"Well," I pause, chewing my lip. "He asked for a second chance."
"And?" I can practically hear Tessa leaning forward, all eager gossip mode engaged.
"And... I'm thinking about it." I trace the rim of my empty beer bottle, picturing Dane's intense gray eyes. "God, I must be out of my mind."
"Or maybe you're finally letting yourself live a little," Tessa counters. "So, are you gonna do it?"
I close my eyes, weighing the fear against the electric pull I feel towards Dane. "Yeah," I say finally, surprising myself. "I think I will."
"That's my girl!" Tessa cheers. "Just promise me you'll take it slow. And if he tries anything shady, I'll personally kick his ass."
I snort. "You and what army, pipsqueak?"
"Hey, I may be small, but I'm scrappy," Tessa protests. "Plus, these Louboutins make excellent weapons."
14
DANE
Ipark my car a block away from Lila's apartment. The morning air nips at my skin as I enter the dilapidated building, glancing around to make sure no one's watching.
I settle into my makeshift observation post, eyes fixed on the grainy feed of Lila's apartment. She's finishing up a bowl of cereal, moving with that quiet grace that always catches my attention. Part of me wants to look away, but I've crossed that line already. No point in pretending I'm better than this now.
Lila grabs a denim jacket, shrugging it on over a NYU sweatshirt. For a split second, I wonder what it'd be like to be the kind of guy who buys her coffee before class. Do guys like me ever get Norman Rockwell mornings?
She heads out, and I watch her exit the building, that auburn hair catching the morning light. My fingers twitch, wanting to zoom in, but I force myself to wait. One Mississippi, two Mississippi...
Five minutes pass. No sign of her doubling back. Time to move.
