It feels surreal to utter it even in my head. It’s also nothing like I had pictured. I imagined it as a lush and thick forest, like you see in the movies where couples get stranded. One of my favorites of all time isThe Blue Lagoon.
As our chopper had begun to descend, drawing us closer and closer to the small, which isn’t tiny at all, land in the middle of the ocean, I realized it wasn’t anything like I assumed. From the sky, the mansion was like a piece of jewel glittering like a diamond.
A home.
Our home.
My dream.
That’s what he gifted me on my birthday. A house on the beach where our kids could come out to play in the sand and swim in the water. Or lie at night on a blanket, counting the stars in the sky like I used to do with my mother.
None of it will ever come true.
My dream is cracked, snatched from my hands cruelly.
All the bullshit I preached about women being able to have everything they’ve ever desired. How it shouldn’t be a choice between two dreams.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
The sounds of ocean waves crashing against the shore float inside through the open patio doors in the master bedroom. I stare at the vast expanse of blue ocean and sky meeting on the horizon, while the sun sets down in the middle.
Footsteps enter the room behind me. The scent of musk and chocolate teases my nostrils, wrapping around me in a hug. The warmth doesn’t penetrate the ice running in my bloodstream.
“Rainbow,” Kian calls.
I don’t turn. “Hmm?”
“You need to eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
I hear him shuffle closer. The bed dips with his weight a second before he carefully pulls me against his chest.
There’s only a faint ache in my chest and lower stomach when I move, but otherwise my body is as good as new. Except for the scars, both physical and emotional.
“We can go outside if you want to see the sunset,” Kian says in my ear. “The fresh air will feel good.”
“I’m fine here.” My voice sounds cold and forlorn to my own ears.
Yet he doesn’t point it out and wraps his arm tighter around me. “Okay.”
We watch as the sun submerges into the ocean inch by inch, until the yellow and orange hue is entirely gone. We’re bathed in darkness, except for the low light coming from the balcony. I wait for the solace and magnetism from the first time he and I watched the sunset, but it never comes.
Ever since I’ve woken up almost three weeks ago, there’s this hollowness carving a hole inside me and getting bigger by the second.
All I want to do is close my eyes and fall into an abyss.
And I would, if it weren’t for Kian.
He keeps yanking me back.
Into a world so black and menacing and selfish. A small voice, somewhere deep inside me, keeps screaming this isn’t who I am. However, I don’t know who else to be.
Am I supposed to put a smile on my face? Go to college and attend my classes till I graduate? Be grateful that I’m alive after fooling death by the skin of my teeth? Search for the proverbial light in the dark? Dream a new future where it’s just Kian and me? Live with the fear that all of this can be taken away from me any second?
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
“Talk to me, Iris,” Kian urges as I stay stuck in my mind. “Please. Say something.”
