“Your silent treatment said otherwise.”
His jaw ticced. “I buried myself in work because I wasn’t sure what to say to you.”
“It takes two people to kiss, Blake.” The words exploded out of me. “You kissed me that night, and I kissed you back. I know I left, but I tried to reach out to you. But you regretted it so much that you blew me off!”
“You think I didn’t want to kiss you?”
“You made that perfectly clear when you ghosted me.”
“I didn’t ghost you. I took time to figure out what to say, and then you wouldn’t take my calls.”
“Because you blew me off for two months, and by that point, I was mortified!” The words burst out before I could stop them.
“You had no reason to be mortified, but for whatever reason, you pulled away from me, Tessa.Youpulled away fromme. That night was one thing, but when you did it again when I was trying to call you, it devastated me.”
I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold despite the warm night air. “Do you want to know why I ran that night?” I forced myself to meet his gaze. “That kiss … it wasn’t about you. I mean, it was about you, but my reaction wasn’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing the words out. “I hadn’t been intimate with anyone since … since the assault. I wasn’t sure if it would trigger me, so I’d avoided it at all costs.”
Blake went still.
“Deep down, I knew I was ready. My therapist had been telling me that for years, but I’d never … you know, put it tothe test. Dating just never felt right. Then that night when you kissed me … God, everything felt perfect. It should have been the perfect moment to find out if I really was ready. But I panicked.”
Which was ridiculous for several reasons. I wasn’t scared of Blake. Nor was I the least bit uncomfortable around him the way I was with other men. Even with Eli, I’d felt a little unsettled. With Blake, everything had always felt natural and amazing, and when he kissed me that night? Also amazing. Theoretically, the second course of the kissing meal would also feel natural and amazing. But I’d panicked because what if I was wrong? What if I went to that next course with Blake and then fear kicked in or it suddenly didn’t feel natural? Our friendship surviving a kiss was one thing. Surviving an abandoned night in the sheets? Sounded impossible. Ironic, I know. Considering me running away after that kiss ruined everything anyway. But there it was.
Drawing in a shaky breath, I continued, “If I did freak out when we were … intimate, I would’ve had to explain why. And that meant telling you about my past. I was planning to take that secret to my grave. I couldn’t risk anything happening between us until I was absolutely certain my past wouldn’t come crashing in.”
When I started dating Eli, I finally let myself try with him. And it was fine. Notmagicalfine, but trauma-wise, I was fine.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Blake’s voice was gentle, filled with a tenderness.
“Because it was my secret to keep. I had that right, but I’m so sorry, Blake. I never meant to hurt you that night. I never meant for everything between us to fall apart. For two years, I’ve been trying to figure out how to explain that my anxiety attack had nothing to do with you, without having to tell you about everything else.”
“Tess.”
“No,” I insisted, feeling his rejection all over again. “No pity. I’m fine. All healed. My point is, I know why I ran, but you ran for different reasons. You ran because I was disposable to you.”
“Disposable?” He couldn’t look more offended, or angry, by that word.
“I stopped the kiss. I tried to apologize for any hurt feelings or whatever, but you made it clear that you regretted that kiss more than I did. You discarded me, Blake. When I needed you the most, you just … forgot about me!” I clenched my fists, all that rejection and sleepless nights assaulting my chest.
“You think I haven’t thought about you”—his voice dropped to a dangerous whisper—”every moment since I first saw you?”
Heat flashed through me, but I ordered it to cool down.
“And every moment since that kiss? How do you think I got this scar?” He jabbed a finger at the small silver line slashing through his eyebrow. The one I’d noticed in the ER. “I walked straight from that party to the shittiest bar I could find. Picked a fight with the meanest bastard in there because getting knocked on my ass felt better than remembering how incredible your lips felt against mine.”
The confession hit me like a hurricane. I’d spent two years thinking he’d walked away unscathed when, in reality, he’d sought out violence just to numb the pain?
He moved forward, forcing me to retreat until my back hit the concrete ledge. Behind me, only a decorative metal railing separated me from a fatal fall.
“I wanted that kiss, Tessa,” he said, his voice rough. “I wanted more than that kiss.”
I blinked, taking in three long breaths.
“What are you saying?” My brain ping-ponged.
His eyes locked on to mine, dark with an intensity that set my nerves aflame.
He leaned in closer, his breath heated against my ear as he whispered words that ignited my soul. “I didn’t want to just kiss you that night, Tessa. I wanted to bury myself in you.”
