My voice softened. “To be honest though, I started to feel envious. Bitter even, at how unfair it was that Ryker had this awesome family, stability, and love when I didn’t. I started pushing him away, isolating myself. But by that point, Ryker knew me too well.” A ghost of a smile crossed my face. “I can still picture Ryker’s face when he snapped and said, ‘It’s not fair, what’s happening to you, but you’re my best friend, and I need you. So, don’t you dare push me away because of what those bottom-feeding trash pandas have done. I’m like a stubborn piece of gum stuck to your shoe. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.’”
I finally met Tessa’s gaze fully, my voice quiet but firm. “So, I didn’t push him away. But watching him navigate relationshipsin college, I remember thinking how grateful I was to never have that kind of vulnerability again. Why would anyone willingly give someone else the power to break them?”
The city lights sparkled, endless and indifferent, as Tessa’s thumb brushed away a tear on her cheek.
“Why didn’t you get Faith when you turned eighteen?”
My gut coiled at the memory. “It turned out the foster system was harder to crack than I thought. But onceshewas eighteen, we’ve stayed in touch.”
Unfortunately, as I’d said, it was surface-level only. Maybe Tessa was right; maybe it was time Faith and I had that long-overdue talk about the night I’d killed my foster dad.
“Thank you for telling me,” she murmured.
“I feel like you’re the only one who’ll ever understand me fully,” I admitted. After a few seconds, I added, “Now, your turn.”
51
TESSA
The terrace’s bubble lights caught the angles of his face, reminding me of high school, watching him laugh with my brother. Back when he was happier, before Sarah broke his soul.
“Tell me about another memory that changed you,” Blake said.
He already knew the biggest one: Eric Voss. But I was more than that attack, and it meant a lot that Blake wasn’t defining my entire existence by one traumatic evening.
I settled my head on his chest, clutching the cashmere blanket tighter. “There’s nothing I could say comparable to what you just told me.”
“Tessa, I just want to know you. All of you. Every human has moments where they learn something about themselves or the world.”
I studied the city lights flickering against the ebony sky. “Okay. Well, I’ve always wanted to be an entrepreneur.” I smiled, remembering childhood dreams. “I marveled at Oprah and other successful women. I wanted my own business. Nothing too big, just a staff of twenty, where I’d be the idea person while others handled the day-to-day.”
“I remember the time you started that cake-baking business out of your mom’s kitchen.”
I laughed. “I learned to create realistic business plans after that. But it wasn’t about cakes. It was about female entrepreneurship. Then when I was sixteen, I confided my dreams to Mom.” I glanced at Blake. “She mentioned she once had business aspirations too, but after starting a family, it wasn’t feasible.”
Those words became a little bomb on my self-confidence.
“Until then, it never occurred to me I’d have to choose between love and success. If Mom couldn’t do both, how could I? After, I felt I had something to prove, that you didn’t have to choose. But this nagging doubt kept whispering,Think about all the statistics that are against you.”
I sipped my wine, wondering if that was another reason I hadn’t dated for years. Not just the assault, but that earlier fear.
“I couldn’t imagine life without love, but I also couldn’t imagine giving up my dreams to get it. After graduation, I worked a safe job to save seed money, then started my business.” I took a shaky breath. “That’s when I met Eli. The real test of whether I could have it all. I struggled with both the relationship and the company. Eli tried to be supportive, but I wasn’t giving him enough of my time, and my business wasn’t getting enough of my time and energy either. When I broke things off with him, I just remember thinking,I guess it’s true; you can’t have it all.”
“To go through that, on top of being sick without knowing why.” Blake shook his head. “You should be proud you kept fighting for your business and for answers to your health.”
Somehow, Blake understood me better than I understood myself.
“Do you still feel you have to choose between dreams or love?”
I considered this. “I’m scared,” I admitted. “Here I am, in my thirties, with a struggling business and …” My pulse pounded. “I’m terrified I’ll lose it. Or you. Or both.”
He picked up my hand, tracing long lines over my skin.
“You’re not going to lose me, Cupcake,” Blake assured me, his lips curving into that devastating smirk. “Unless it’s to murder. When your brother finds out about us, he’s going to kill me. Like, cement shoes, sleeping with the fishes, full mob hit.”
My heart swelled at what this meant. By bringing up Ryker and future complications, Blake was telling me this was more than physical. This was a relationship worth facing my brother’s wrath for.
“He won’t kill you,” I teased. “He’s a criminal defense attorney.”
