I have no clue how or when it happened, but I do. I expect a wave of panic, but instead it’s like the tension I didn’t know I was carrying around is just… gone.
I allow myself to bask in the feeling as Andrei pulls down a recipe book, putting it on the counter for Niko to look through.
“You know what you’re looking for?”
“No,” Niko mutters, flipping through several pages before he looks at me. “Mama, I can’t read.”
I help him find the right page and get out the ingredients, happy to spend an afternoon baking with these two, even if theydo spend more time sneaking bites of the dough than they do helping.
While Niko’s distracted pressing out shapes with the cookie cutters, I wrap my arms around Andrei’s waist. He pulls me against him, smiling softly at me.
Has he always looked at me like that?
How have I missed it?
“I love you,” I breathe, and the smile on his face erases any doubts that might have lingered.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“I love you too,zolotse.”
***
The house is quiet as I stand in front of my vanity, running my fingers over the chain Daniil’s rings are on. It’s the first time I haven’t worn them in some capacity since he slid them on my finger. The diamonds glitter under my thumb.
I’ve loved and hated these rings in equal measure for years. I loved them for my little family and all the happy moments Daniil and I had together. I hated them for every night I cried myself to sleep, not knowing if he was going to come home, or if he was planning on staying with his mistress all night.
Looking back, I should have seen the engagement ring as a red flag. It’s bold, flashy and not my taste at all. If he’d asked me about it, I would have told Daniil I prefer understated jewelry. I would have preferred something more unique, something thatdidn’t scream how expensive it was for everyone to see at a glance.
Something more like Andrei’s ring.
Andrei’s never said a word about me keeping Daniil’s rings. He’s noticed them, watching me with a stoic expression when he’s caught me fiddling with them, but he never expressed any disapproval or disappointment in me for keeping them close.
Andrei’s in love with me, but he let me hold onto these without complaint. And, god, I love him for that, too.
Andrei lets me mourn and heal without making demands, content to be there and let me lean against him when things get hard.
I slip the rings off the chain, turning them over in my hand.
Realistically, they’re nothing but precious gems and polished metal.
They don’t hold the emotional weight I’ve given them.
These rings have done nothing to hurt me. They’re not the ones who left me. And if I don’t wear them anymore, no one will be upset.
I repeat that to myself over and over before I put them in my jewelry box, shutting them away. For some reason, I expected it to feel more final, more like a decision, but nothing happens.
The sky doesn’t fall, no one yells, and I have no more closure than I had this morning.
Still, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When I finally tear my eyes away from my jewelry box, Andrei is leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed, watching me. There’s no sign of judgement, no hint as to what he’s thinking.
“Did Niko fall asleep?” I ask him, blinking away an unexpected wave of emotions.
“Yeah. He was beat after running around all day.”
