“You threatened to kill me. You kept me locked up until I agreed to work with you.”
I stare bleakly at the ceiling, unable to deny it.
“I never would have hurt you. You were never in danger. Not from me.”
Chapter 25
Blair
The buzzing in my ears drowns out Andrei’s gentle breaths long after he falls asleep. I’m not sure that he’s ever fallen asleep before me, but right now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep again.
The first rays of light break through the curtains, allowing me to watch the steady rise and fall of his chest. His features are softened with sleep, relaxed when he’s typically on guard, constantly taking stock of his surroundings and observing everything going on around him.
When he’s like this, it’s easier to think that he might have been telling the truth, not just blurting out whatever nonsense the post-orgasm endorphins were feeding him. When he’s relaxed, he doesn’t seem like the same inscrutable figure who upended my life and turned everything upside down to the point that it’s unrecognizable.
In hindsight, I’m able to admit none of what he’s done has made my life worse.
If anything, him kidnapping me and tearing me away from my boring life probably saved me from spending all my time being miserable, alone, and stuck in a job that stressed me out to the point of having panic attacks.
Even before I got roped into this mess, I was doing a great job of isolating myself and pushing away the few friends I had, and none of those people reached out after I left them behind with little to no warning.
Sure, initially, he pulled me away from everything and everyone I’d ever known and plunged me into the deep end, surrounded by dangerous men with no tools to defend myself, but he’s also been the greatest defense I could ask for.
When Andrei’s around, I don’t have to worry about anyone kicking down the front door and taking me away from my son. He goes out of his way to make sure we’re safe and comfortable. He’s even helped me make a friend, so I’m not nearly as isolated as I was when I first moved to Chicago. I have people who I can talk to about my life and worries for the first time since… Since ever, probably.
I’m not jumping at shadows and waiting for the next threat to attack me anymore. I know I can rely on Andrei to look after us, and despite my head screaming at me, I know that I can trust him not to go out of his way to hurt me.
Even if having me by his side hurts his standing with Maksim, he won’t turn his back on me. That’s just not the type of man he is.
He said he loves me.
This man, who I’ve spent so long thinking hated me, loves me. Has loved me. For years, if he’s to be believed, and whenI think about everything he’s done for me and Niko these past few weeks, I start to believe he’s telling the truth. With every fiber of my being, I believe him.
I’ve spent most of the night trying to figure out what he has to gain from lying, but I can’t find anything.
Telling me he loves me doesn’t cover up anything, it doesn’t gain him any advantage, and he isn’t protecting himself. He’s only making himself vulnerable.
Andrei, a man who has never had a moment of weakness in all the time I’ve known him, made himself vulnerable. Tome.
Whether he knows it or not, he’s given me leverage, something I’ve never had in our relationship up to now.
Do I even want to use it? I mean, I still occasionally have nightmares about him pressing a gun to my side and forcing me into a car, and when his face is the first thing I see when I wake up, it takes a moment for me to remember where I am, much less that I’veaskedhim to be here.
I’ve spent years keeping my head down and letting people hurt me so I can stay safe, and I’m not sure if I’m even capable of opening myself up to that kind of pain again.
Putting my heart on the line for Daniil nearly broke me, and only now that he’s gone am I able to see the full scope of what our relationship took from me.
What if all I’m capable of is hurting Andrei? Maybe I’m too damaged to ever accept his feelings or find it in myself to return them.
It’s safer to push him away.
Everything swirls around my head like an unceasing echo, making it impossible to sleep. Still, none of it is dimming thesmall spark of hope that’s taking up residence in my chest, warming me from the inside out.
Andrei Voronov isn’t a good man, and I’m under no illusions about it. He’s been violent and brutal, and he won’t hesitate to do it again if it serves him to.
But when he’s home with me, he’s patient and kind. I’m never worried that he’s going to snap at Niko, because he always takes his time with him and answers his endless questions to the best of his ability. He makes sure to check in with us, even on the days when he spends most of his time out of the house. He comes home with busted knuckles, there’s blood staining his clothes, and he carries a gun with him everywhere he goes.
But he could be mine, if I let him.