They don’t get to stop me.
I just have to get Niko to cooperate, and then I can dive headfirst onto that emotional landmine.
“I know you don’t want to go, but I don’t ever want you to regret not going.”
“I want to stay with Baba Mila!” Niko shouts, tears streaming down his already tear-stained face.
He could have slapped me in the face and it would have hurt less. I swallow and try to find the last bits of patience I have left.
He doesn’t mean that.
“She’ll be at the church,” I say gently. “You can hang out with her until it’s time to leave.” I’m sure Mila will appreciate that as much as Niko. I’m pretty sure the only reason she let me into her house while we were planning the funeral was because I brought Niko along.
As he turns as stomps away, I sigh, letting myself bask in the temporary reprieve from our fight before the doorbell chimes through the house.
God, what now?
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m going to answer the door, and then we’re going to put on our shoes,” I call after him, studiously working to ignore the tension winding my shoulders into a knot.
I don’t want to see whoever’s at the door. Anyone who matters is going to be at the wake, and I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with anyone else today.
As soon as I get to the church, I’ll have to put on the pretty mask that’s expected of me. I’ll have to be sad, but nottoosad. I’ll have to toe the line of being respectful and quiet, nothing but a pretty little doll who lingers on the fringes of everyone’s attention and doesn’t get in the way. I don’t have to worry about upsetting Daniil if I say the wrong thing or make the wrong face, but I still don’t want to go out of my way to upset anyone more than I already will just by being there.
I can’t afford to let anything happen before I find a way to keep Niko and I safe.
When I open the door, I freeze on instinct when I see Andrei. He’s wearing a somber suit, his hands shoved into his pockets as he leans against the door jamb.
“What are you doing here?” Immediately, I bite my tongue, regretting how harshly that came out. His jaw flexes, and I add this to the list of things I’ve managed to fuck up today. “I’m sorry, I just… wasn’t expecting to see you here. I figured I’d see you at the church.”
“I wanted to check in on you guys. Maybe give you a ride, if you want.” He shrugs. “Make sure you and the kid are alright before you get thrown into the deep end.” I pull the door open a little wider and, reluctantly, gesture for him to come in.
“That’s kind of you.” I smile, but it feels more like a grimace. He takes a quick look around, almost like he’s looking for something.
“Where’s the rugrat?”
“Probably in his room.” I shrug. “He’s refusing to put on shoes.”
“What?”
I gesture down the hall, my cheeks heating with embarrassment. Which is stupid. No parent can control the little things their children throw fits over. But even though it’s a little thing, the fact that he’s refusing to listen to me stings. “He doesn’t want to put on shoes. He doesn’t want to come to the church with me, and apparently, he thinks if he doesn’t put on his shoes, I’ll go away, and he can spend all his time with Mila.”
“Wait, what?” Andrei’s brows furrow, his confusion matching my level of frustration.
“He wants to spend all his time with Mila because I upset him, so he doesn’t want to put on his shoes.” My voice has taken on a hysterical edge, and the way he’s looking at me is too much. Too much concern, too much pity. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. We’re fine. Today has just been… a lot.”
He glances down the hall, then back at me, like he’s worried any sudden moves will set me off.
“Would it be okay if I talk to him?”
I sit down on the bottom step and nod. What harm could it do?
“Be gentle with him, okay?” His brows pull together, looking offended. Regret pierces my chest, and I look at the floor. “He’s upset. He likes you, but he’s probably going to lash out if you push him.” Andrei’s never been anything but kind with Niko, and I don’t think he’ll go out of his way to make him feel any worse, but I need to set expectations.
“He’s not… acting like himself.”
“Yeah, I get that,” he mumbles to himself before walking down the hall, leaving me alone, feeling like a massive idiot.
I need help to get a toddler to wearshoes,for god’s sake, and as soon as someone who can help shows up, I make them out to be some sort of monster.
