And she was right.
But I had to tell her something. "I'm not giving up."
Her gaze narrowed. "Well so much for your promises." She made a sound of disgust. "What'd that last? Two seconds?"
She didn't get it. I wouldn’t be bothering her. But Iwouldbe waiting. And if by some miracle, she walked back into my life, I'd consider myself the luckiest guy on Earth.
I met her gaze. "I'll keep it, even if it kills me."
"I mean it," she said. "Even if you see me in the supermarket, just keep on going. Alright?"
I thought of the places I might see her – my own back yard, the restaurant where she worked, the sidewalk in front of my house. The thought of seeing her, but not speaking to her, not holding her, not knowing she was mine, it was a nightmare I didn't want to face.
But it was a nightmare I'd brought on myself.
Somehow, I made myself nod.
But I couldn’t leave it at that. I looked into her eyes and tried one last time. When I spoke, my voice came out in a strangled whisper. "You call me. I'll be waiting."
Her voice was quiet, too. "Then you'll be waiting a long time."
"I don't care," I told her. "Call me anytime. Day, night, middle of the night. I don't care. Just call me. Okay?
"Don't count on it," she said. And then, with Chucky in her arms, she turned away, heading toward the front door. I didn't try to stop her, but I couldn’t just stand there like I didn't give a shit. So like a dead man walking, I followed after her, haunting her steps and silently begging for her to turn around.
She didn't.
Instead, she opened the door and walked out, taking her little dog with her. I stood in the open doorway and watched, wondering how I'd managed to fuck this up yet again.
I'd already done this once – watched her walk away because of something stupid I'd done, something that had hurt her, something that showed I didn't deserve a girl like that.
When she reached the front walkway, she set Chucky down. But he didn't move. Instead, he flopped down on the concrete and refused to budge.
In his own way, he was saying the thing I couldn't."Don't leave."
If someday, I ever won Chloe back, I wasn't going to forget this. In fact, I decided, I'd carry his favorite doggie treats with me wherever I went, on the off chance I ever got near him again.
It was stupid, I know. But everything was stupid.
I'd been stupid.
When Chucky refused to cooperate, Chloe picked him up and started walking toward the front gate, with Chucky wriggling in her arms. As for me, I still hadn't moved. I couldn't, even though I desperately wanted to.
What if this the last time I saw her?
A horrible thought occurred to me. That wasn't even her house. For all I knew, she'd be moving tomorrow. To think, I'd spent all those years wanting her, searching for her, and then, I'd lost her, not only once, but twice, because I'd been too blind to see through the bullshit.
From where I stood, I could still see her. She was almost to my front gate. If I wanted, I could be at her side in ten seconds, maybe less. But I had promised. And breaking that promise now would just prove that she'd been right. Itwasall about me.
So I stood there, knowing that I had to let her go. Not for my sake. But for hers.
Even if it killed me.
When she passed through the gate, Chucky gave a long, plaintive whine that cut me to the bone. This was all my fault. I was losing the girl. I was losing the dog. I was losing my mind.
I watched until she disappeared from sight, and then I trudged back inside the house and tried to figure out how in the hell I'd live without her.
Chapter 47
