Who would take Grandma's non-existent mailers to the non-existent mailing house? Would I need to invent another fictional job to keep her in rent money?
And then there was Josh. As long as Grandma lived so close to him, I knew he was safe from the worst of what Loretta dished out. With Grandma just a short walk away, Josh had a place to go, not just for his own sake, but to keep Loretta from getting too torqued up over stupid crap like multiple desserts.
Even though she liked Josh better than she liked me, she still liked him best when he was out of sight, no matter how much she might claim otherwise in front of my Dad.
I needed comfort, big time. A call to Erika wouldn't solve my problems, but it would definitely make me feel better. And I'd been resisting long enough. I reached for my phone, and stopped short when I realized the phone wasn't on the passenger's seat where I'd tossed it after talking to Loretta.
Confused, I looked toward the car floor and then searched the other usual spots. When it didn't turn up, I got out of my car, searched it, scanned the parking lot, dug through my purse, and went through the added humiliation of returning to the hiring manager's office to see if, by chance, I'd left it inside their building.
I don’t know why I bothered. I knew exactly where I'd left it, and it wasn't there. "Stupid, stupid, stupid…" I muttered when it became painfully obvious the phone was gone. Stolen, no doubt. It was several years old, ancient by today's standards. Why anyone would want the thing was beyond me.
But what did I expect? My car had a broken window, and I'd left the phone in plain sight. It had probably taken someone all of five seconds to reach in and grab it. But I couldn’t live without a phone, and besides, I had a service contract, which meant I'd be paying for cell phone coverage regardless.
By the time I pulled out of the parking lot, I was thoroughly overwhelmed. I cranked up the stereo, trying to drown out the sound of the icy wind, along with my thoughts, but it didn't help.
It especially didn't help when halfway home, the stereo crackled with static, then died a slow, pathetic death over the course of five miles in stop-and-go traffic.
I spent an hour at the cell phone store, reporting the theft and replacing the phone with money I didn't have. My old phone was so old that it had been discontinued, so I had a bright shiny new model. I should've been excited, but to me, it was an expense I didn't need and confusion I didn't want to deal with.
Sure, it had a whole bunch of new features, but at the moment, I had no energy to figure them out and no patience for the time it would take for me to get used to it.
I tried to dial Erika and ended up taking a picture of my dashboard.
That did it. Cursing, I pulled into the nearest party store. Shoving the new phone deep into my purse, I went inside and bought a bag of chips and a fifth of vodka. I'd never been one to drown my troubles, but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to think. I wanted sweet oblivion, and if it meant I had to get it out of a bottle, so be it.
Sometimes, reality is just too damn depressing.
Chapter 38
Sitting at the Parkers' kitchen counter, I spent the first hour sulking. I started with sulking about the job thing and worked my way back, sulking about everything from the stupid Thanksgiving dessert that I couldn't bring to my lost cell phone.
No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't help but feel I'd done everything wrong in spite of my determination to do everything right.
How many things had I given up over the years because I was always working? How many parties? How many football games? I'd never kissed a stranger. I'd never danced until my feet blistered. I'd never had a one-night stand.
I'd taught myself to delay gratification too many times to count. Just until the end of this semester. Just until the end of the school year. Just until I graduated from college. Just until I got a good job. And for what? Did it even matter?
I'd never get those years back. Was I any further ahead than if I'd stopped to have a little more fun on the way?
Doubtful.
I stared at the bottle of vodka. Why had I even bought the thing? I wasn't much of a drinker. I'd seen way too many of my Mom's boyfriends shitfaced to find the whole idea appealing. Besides, what was I going to do? Sit in somebody else's living room, drowning my troubles because I wanted somebody else's life?
It was a Monday, the slowest night at the diner, which explained why I hadn't been scheduled to work that night. That was probably a good thing. I wasn't in the mood to be sassy, or even competent.
But I wanted to dosomething, something just once that was only for now, something that said to hell with the future and plans and obligations, and all that other stuff that had been weighing on me for as long as I could remember.
But did I even knowhowto live in the moment? To just let loose and experience something – anything – for the fleeting joy it might bring?
I lay my head on the kitchen counter and let my mind drift. If I could do something, right here, right now, for the sheer pleasure of it, what would I do?
And that's when it hit me. I'd visit Lawton Rastor alright, but not like any nice, sensible girl would. I'd march over there and knock on his door like all the other girls who wanted a taste of his hot body and dangerous reputation. I'd beg him – no, I'd demand of him – everything he'd give and receive from a willing partner.
If he wanted it rough, I'd do it rough. If he wanted it gentle, I'd do it gentle. I didn't care. Fire, ice, fast, slow, hard, easy – for once in my life, I'd ride the waves of whatever crashed over me and have a whole lot of fun doing it.
A minute later, I was pulling on my tennis shoes. Sure, I could've put on high heels. I could've dug through the closet for my best slinky dress. I could've done a thousand other things to force the perfect look or the perfect mood. But that was just another way I'd be planning ahead.
And tonight, there was no plan, unless you counted the one thing I was determined to do before the sun came up, and that was make Lawton Rastor moan my name the same way he had in my dreams.
