Chapter 25
When I finished talking, Joel paused for a long moment before saying, "Alright."
We were still standing at the kitchen counter. Beyond eager to tell him, I'd explained everything in a rush – how I'd refused to give up his endowment slot, how Claude was thrilled to hear that Joel had returned, and how we were just a few signatures away from making everything official.
It was exciting news. And yet, Joel didn't look excited.
Wondering what I was missing, I said, "So, that's good news, right?"
He glanced away. "Yeah."
I recalled his obvious happiness the last time around. I saw none of that now. But of course, I was being unreasonable, wasn't I? After all, the last time hadn't ended so great. Shortly after that initial burst of happiness, he'd lost the endowmentandme, all in the same day.
But that wasn't going to happen, not this time. Looking to drive the point home, I said, "And just so you know, it's a total done-deal. We just need to sign the paperwork, that's all."
He reached up to rub the back of his neck. "Alright."
Alright?
Again?
I bit my lip. "I'm sorry, but I've gotta ask something."
"Yeah? What?"
"Are you honestly excited? Or are you just saying that?" I gave a nervous laugh. "I mean, after the last time, I was kind of worried you'd give up painting for good."
He looked away, as if seeing something on the distant horizon. But there was no horizon. There was just the two of us, standing here in my oversized kitchen. As the silence stretched out, it became increasingly obvious that I'd been right. He wasn't thrilled with the prospect of painting again.
Finally, he returned his gaze to mine. "Alright, you want the truth?"
I nodded. After all, Ihadasked for it.
He shrugged. "I don't care either way."
"What do you mean?"
"You need the money, right?"
"The endowment money? But that's for you, remember?" I smiled. "Since you're the actual artist and all."
"It's not for me," he said. "It's forus."
In a way, I saw what he meant. Soon, we were going to be married, which meant that we'd sink or swim together.
The endowment was a generous one. If we weren't too extravagant, it could pay for months of living expenses, maybe evenmorethan months if we were really careful.
But more than that, it would give Joel the chance to do something he loved. I gave him a nervous glance. Hedidstill love it, right?
I had to ask, "But you're not doing itonlyfor the money, are you?"
He gave a tight shrug. "Better than fighting."
I couldn’t argue with that, but it wasn't exactly a glowing endorsement. "True," I said. "But there must be more to it than that."
"There is." His gaze met mine. "I wanna be here for you." He gave me the ghost of a smile. "Hard to do that if I'm off, beating the hell out of people."
It was a nice sentiment, but vaguely unsatisfying. I was so happy, and I wanted him to be happy, too.
