His throat tightened and something heavy sat on his chest. It was something that made it impossible for him to breathe, but was sweet and soft at the same time.
Then his tongue loosened as if by itself. He thought of things he’d formulated countless times in his mind, his most intense self-talk. But he’d never said them out loud – never to anyone else.
“Do you know why they call meSaint?”
Strangely, it was easier to talk while he was driving, when his hands and eyes had something to do. He had to remain calm, and his words were isolated from his actions.
“Because you’re…a good person?”
“Because I’m perceived as one, yes,” he replied softly. “At least within the NHL, which is full of assholes and scandals. So, yes, I’m the saint because my image is incredibly clean. I don’t pick up women during the season like everyone else does. I’m always polite. Always. And I don’t lose my patience with reporters. And I never fight on the ice.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her smile. “Like I said, because you’re a ridiculously good person.”
He grimaced in pain. “No. Because itseemsthat way. It’s like you said before. I have to prove to everyone that I’m civil and nice. But the thing is, it’s not true. I’m only half as good as everyone believes. I…” He paused. “I used to steal a lot. I amassed misdemeanors like other people collect stamps. I didn’t study hard in school. I abandoned my family when they needed me…and I hate my father.I hate him so much. He was a shitty dad who was always losing track of me and made me sleep on the porch overnight. I was five then.”
He heard Penny swallow. He didn’t want her pity, so he continued before she could say anything. “After I left home, I probably hadn’t spoken to him in twenty years. I was just quietly angry at him, feeding my hatred.” He snorted. “God, it sounds pathetic when I say it. He called me several times. Mostly when he wanted money from me. But I always ignored him. I told myself it was better to just let the past be the past and start a new life. But I never got rid of the hatred. I was never completely happy. I could never truly let go.”
“Jack,” Penny said, her voice thick, squeezing his hand on the gearshift, “it sounds like he’s not a good person — and hating him doesn’t make you a bad person.”
“No. Probably not then, but…he’s no longer that person,” he muttered. “He’s had severe dementia for years. He doesn’t remember what he did when he was an alcoholic. Most days…”He hesitated. “Most days he doesn’t even remember me. And, hey, if I were him, I would have blocked out those years with me, too. It must have been exhausting raising a son who did nothing but screw up, even if he only had custody for a handful of years. But, yeah. Now he’s…nice.” He forced the word out through his teeth. It was incredibly hard to get it out. “The nurses say he’s the sweetest old man who always has a kind word for everyone. He’s charming and kind and…he seems to have forgotten all his bad qualities along with his old life, thanks to the dementia. And I’ve been there to see him. I visited him. I had him moved to a home here in LA. He’s a mess, an invalid. He deserves nothing but pity…” He took a halting breath. “…but shit, Penny, I still hate himso much! I look at him and there’s nothing but anger, regret, and disgust. I know that today, the man probably no longer deserves all those reactions. But I can’t get over them. That was why I was angry on Friday. I visited him and decided to approach the matter neutrally. I decided to try to see him as more than the person who neglected me back then. And I failed.”
“It’s okay that…”
“No, actually it’s not,” he interrupted gruffly. “If you’d seen him, you wouldn’t say that. He’s not the same man anymore. I know that. And it’s important to me to be good, Penny. To be better than I was back then. Because it means I’ve put all that behind me. I’ve made peace with my family. I obey every law, even the speed limit. But the hate…I can’t get over it. And now I can’t even tell him what a bastard he was! Because he won’t understand. It wouldn’t be fair of me. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have let the past be the past. I should have yelled at him when I still had the chance. I should’ve dealt with my emotions back then. But it’s too late for that, and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting not telling him how I felt — just as I’ll regret not being a better person and forgiving him because of his dementia. I’ll never be over it and that makes me even angrier. And I can’ttell Dax and Anna about it because it will only remind them of their own bastard of a father, who they’ve been trying to forget for years. So, I just have another secret that I can’t share with anyone and…” He stopped at a light and wiped his face. “And it’s exhausting keeping track of everything. I’m not good at dealing with anger. I don’t know what to do with it most of the time, because I’ve deliberately repressed it over the last few years. So…yeah. That’s the crap you wanted to hear.” He let out a gust of air, drove off again, and turned right before pulling over to the side of the road.
He turned off the engine, looked at Penny, and noticed that she was staring at him. But there was no pity in her eyes. It was…relief? Understanding? It was like she’d finally found a piece to a puzzle she’d been trying to complete for years. Or maybe it had just been the last few months.
“Thank you,” she whispered so softly that he barely heard her. It sounded like she was afraid of breaking the precious, cozy silence between them. “I know that must not have been easy.”
“It’s…easier once you get started,” he admitted hesitantly, swallowing. “So? Are you still sure you care about my shit?”
She smiled at him with so much warmth in her eyes that Jack’s fingers twitched. “Yes,” she whispered, raising her hand and cupping his face. “Very sure.”
She traced his cheekbone with her thumb before resting it on his lower lip.
“But I think you should talk to Dax and Anna. At least, share your secret with them. I understand that you want to protect them, but…maybe they want to protect you, too? Don’t you deserve to have someone worry about you sometimes?”
The corner of his mouth twitched. “I’m an adult, Penny. Since my mother died, no one cares about me anymore.”
“That’s not true,” she whispered. “I care. And I’d bet your siblings feel the same way. Besides, it doesn’t matter how grown up you are, you always need someone to care for you.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked harshly. “Who takes care of you?”
“Well, didn’t you offer to help today?” she asked innocently. “And…wait.” She blinked and looked out the windshield in confusion. “Where are we? I thought you were driving me home.”
He shrugged. “I didn’t say which home. I happen to live here.”
She snorted in amusement. “Jack…”
“Penny,” he interrupted somberly, cupping her face, “I have a lot of secrets. You know every single one now. And I hate that I have to makeyoua secret, in order to be with you…but I hate the thought of not trying with you even more. It’s not often that I like someone so damn much. Not justwant, but like. You wanted us to be honest and that’s the truth. I know my life is complicated. But yours is, too. Can’t we just…be complicated together? Go on a few secret dates and see what happens? I promise I’ll take good care of you…”
She snorted but then pulled his head toward her. “I suggest you stop talking right now and use your mouth for something else before I change my mind and remember that this is a stupid idea.”
“It’s only a stupid idea if we get caught,” he whispered, gently brushing his lips over hers. She tasted of beer and Penny.
“Well, then we’d better go to your apartment before anyone else sees us.”
“Oh, my windows are tinted, and my neighbors are nearsighted,” he murmured and kissed her. He had one hand on her neck, the other on her cheek. He felt Penny smile against his lips before she returned the kiss. Then she released her seatbelt, wrapped her arms around his neck, and sighed contentedly.Jack closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. Savored her taste. Enjoyed the calm that her touch triggered. He felt his heartbeat slow.
