Ava had fallen into a deep sleep at some point, and at the sound of her alarm, felt like she was swimming up from the depths of the ocean, pulling and pulling until she finally broke the surface. She’d slapped at her phone, sending it to the floor, and then lay there blinking at the ceiling.
She felt like death, heavy and dark. Even taking a deep breath was a chore.
She showered and dressed and stayed in her room until the last possible moment, allowing herself just enough time to grab the largest cup of coffee she could manage to carry down to the kitchen without spilling, skillfully avoiding the others until it was time to work and the opportunity for chatting had passed. She didn’t want to chat. Didn’t want to explain or hear anybody else’s thoughts or opinions on the subject.
Let me bake.
That was all she wanted. To lose herself in sugar and butter and flour. To mix and stir and decorate. To give her brain something to focus on so her heart would take a fucking break. A deep breath helped her focus as she headed down to the kitchen. Vienna gave her a hesitant smile, as did Maia. Paige and Madison hadn’t arrived yet, but she could hear chatter in the hall, and then they scurried in and to their stations. None of the assistant chefs were present. Ava tried not to glance over at Regan’s empty spot, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to see it empty, all trace of her gone like in their room, but glance she did. And the space was still set up for somebody, all the tools and appliances still there. That was a relief—to not see it empty and stark—and Ava felt just a bit lighter.
She was taking a sip of her coffee when Regan walked in, and she coughed as the hot liquid went down the wrong pipe.
Regan took her place at her station, standing tall and stoic, without looking at Ava, who was still coughing. She’d just gotten herself under control when Liza entered the room, looking authoritative and pleased with herself.
“Good morning, chefs,” she said, her tone annoyingly cheerful.
“Good morning, Chef,” they chimed back.
“For the rest of the retreat, you will be on your own. The assistants have finished their assignments and have gone home.”
A murmur ran through the kitchen, and Ava stared at Liza, whostared back at her with the slightest of smirks on her face. Was Ava right? Had Becca stolen Regan’s idea and passed it off as her own? Did Liza know that? What the fuck?
“Today, we’re going to perfect our pâte à choux,” Liza went on. She was referring to the delicate dough—often called choux pastry—that was the base of many pastries. It could be hard to master, though Ava was pretty confident about hers; it was one of the first things they taught in culinary school. They’d worked on it early in the retreat, but a couple folks had struggled, so clearly Liza thought they needed more training.How is she going on with the retreat like nothing happened yesterday?
Ava worked on autopilot. She had no choice. If she stopped, if she looked at Regan or made eye contact with Liza again, she was afraid she might fall apart. Her stress levels felt impossibly high, her anxiety through the roof. So she forced herself to concentrate on what she was doing, to ignore the fact that the woman who had come mere inches from stealing her heart and had crushed it instead stood barely ten feet from her, also seeming to focus solely on her work.
I guess this is how it’s gonna be, huh?
Fine. She could do this.
She could do this.
God, can I do this?
Chapter Eighteen
Things had changed at the retreat, and not just between Ava and Regan. It couldn’t even be considered a divide. It was a fracturing. A shattering. Ava watched it happen.
Vienna—who had already expressed reservations about the entire retreat—had distanced herself from the rest of them, it seemed, even Ava. She came down in the morning, grabbed her coffee, and headed out onto the grounds. Paige and Madison seemed to be the only ones whose friendship stayed intact, and they could usually be found in a corner of a room or sitting next to each other at the table, their heads together and their voices hushed. Maia didn’t really change much. She’d been kind of a loner from the start, and she remained so, but she’d nod at Regan when she saw her, or she’d sit next to Ava if there was space. Ava appreciated that more than she was willing to admit.
As for Regan, she kept her head down, came in a room to get what she needed, and took whatever it was—coffee, dinner, a cocktail—back up to her room. She barely looked at any of them. It made Ava’s heart squeeze in her chest.
“Feeling a little bit like high school, isn’t it?” Maia asked on Wednesday morning as she plopped down next to Ava. She took a sip of her coffee and scanned the room over the rim of her mug.
Ava sighed and shook her head. “I can’t believe what a colossal disappointment this retreat has been,” she said quietly. “If I didn’t have a deep-seated aversion to quitting anything—even when I should—I’d go home right now.”
“Yeah, but you don’t wanna give Chef that satisfaction.”
“You got that right.” Ava shook her head and then sipped. “It’sonly a little while longer.” Eight days, to be exact. Eight long days that felt like years stretched out before them.
“Yep. You doing okay?” Maia had been the only one to ask her that.
Ava lifted a shoulder. “Well, let’s see. I thought this was gonna be an amazing retreat where I’d learn from my baking idol, I end up rooming with a woman from my past who hates me, but it starts to be kinda great, and I’m learning a ton, and my fellow retreaters are cool, and I even make amends with the woman from my past, and she doesn’t hate me anymore.”
“Sounds awesome,” Maia said, a grin on her face as she sipped. “And then?”
“And then it all went to shit.” Ava chuckled. She had to or she’d cry. “My baking idol is a bit of a sadist, I think”—Maia snorted at that—“though I am still learning a ton, so I can’t fault her there. But a definite sadist who likes to fuck with people, which was proven by her weird need to out me and my ex-nemesis-turned—” She cleared her throat and looked away.
“Sex bunny? The cream to your puff?Love-ah?”
