They sipped in tandem.
“Women.” Rebecca exhaled slowly. “What am I going to do, Zoe?”
Chapter Seventeen
“All right. What is it? What did I do?” Marti stood next to theirbed in her LSU T-shirt and underwear as she watched Spencer pull throw pillowsfrom it and toss them onto the floor.
“Nothing.”
With a much put-upon sigh, Marti flopped onto the bed. “You’vebeen quiet all night, and you’ve barely looked at me.”
Spencer stopped what she was doing and did look at her then.Reallylooked at her.Marti didn’t appear all that worried. She didn’t seem terribly concerned. Infact, she looked slightly bored, like this was something she dealt with all thetime and it tired her. That only fanned the flames inside Spencer’s gut.
“I am not soft, Marti.”
Marti’s eyes widened for a moment. That was followed by thefurrowing of her brow and some rapid blinking. “What?”
Spencer threw down the last pillow and yanked the covers down. “I.Am not. Soft.”
It still took a beat or two before Marti caught up. “Oh. Oh! Thetrainer at the gym.” She laughed and slid under the covers, reached for a bookon the nightstand.
“‘Oh, the trainer at the gym?’ That’s all you’re going to say?”Spencer stood next to the bed, covers gripped in one hand, and stared at thiswoman she was beginning to wonder if she even knew at all.
“I don’t know what youwantme to say, Spencer.” Marti was clearly frustrated, dropping her book down intoher lap so she could meet Spencer’s angry gaze.
And that was the problem, wasn’t it? Marti never knew what to sayto her because she needed to make sure it was what Spencerwantedher to say.
“You know what? Never mind. It’s fine. It’s whatever.” Spencerslid under the covers and turned onto her side so her back was to Marti. Shewas being alarmingly passive-aggressive and she knew it, but it was as if allthe energy left her like she was a deflated balloon, and she simply no longerhad it in her. It was there, the fight, the spark, and then it was gone. Justlike that. Suddenly, she was so tired she could barely think.
“You sure?” Marti asked, and the warmth of her hand landed onSpencer’s shoulder.
It took everything Spencer had to keep from shrugging it off. “I’msure. Good night.”
“’Night, babe.”
It wasn’t the first time Spencer had silently cried in bed whileMarti lay next to her, often awake.
I’m a mess.
That sentence played over and over again, ran through her headlike a train on a circular track. Round and round, never changing, neveraltering its course.
Chelsea had done this to her.
No.
She hadletChelsea do this to her. Big difference. Chelsea had mowed her down like acombine over a field of wheat, and Spencer hadn’t been able to get up again.She sometimes felt like she was still lying there, flattened, worthless,completely unable to read any sort of feeling or sign or emotion from another,a failure of epic proportions. Other times, it was as though she’d managed toget to her hands and knees. Or even to a squat. But it had been a disturbinglylong time since she’d felt like she was actually standing tall, to her fullheight. She always felt a little bit hunched. A little bit bent, like she washiding, flying under the radar so she wouldn’t get called on. Called on towhat, she wasn’t sure. To speak? To be seen? To live? Who knew?
Rebecca saw her.
Those three simple words bolstered her somehow. In a world whereshe’d become the background, where she’d begun to feel like nothing more thanwindow dressing, Rebecca saw her.
And then the bolstering faltered. BecausedidRebecca see her?How could Spencer be sure? She’d thought Chelsea saw her as well, but thatended up an enormous disaster because Spencer had wildly miscalculated. Maybethat was exactly what was happening now.
It wasn’t like she didn’t have options. She did. One choice was torun. She could throw everything away, be honest with Marti, move the very smallamount of her belongings she’d brought over back to her house, and be done. Shecould do that, even though it made her a little ill to think about it. Or shecould double down on this relationship, on her upcoming marriage. Stop worryingso much, stop analyzing every aspect of it and just focus. Pour all her energyinto being the best wife she could be to Marti. She did care about her. Thatwasn’t in question. She had been in love with her once, hadn’t she? She couldbe again, right? She just had to work on that…
Enough!
Spencer mentally shook herself. Going around and around about allof this crap was a surefire way to drive herself completely off the deep end,and she’d come close more than once. This wasn’t the first time she’d listedout her options.
