Rebecca collapsed, did her best to keep from laying her fullweight on Spencer. They stayed there for a long while, all ragged breathing andpounding hearts, and in time, they calmed. Settled. Rebecca did her best tocontinue to keep the reality of what they’d done at bay, but she was weak.Spent. Had little strength left. And when she glanced up at Spencer, saw thefaraway, contemplative look in her eye, what was left of that strength wentaway, too.
“Hey,” she said finally. “It’s okay.”
Spencer turned to her then, met her gaze. “Is it?” Those blue eyesheld a combination of such hope and such sadness, it made Rebecca’s heart crackin her chest just a little.
Rebecca wanted to say yes, to insist. But she also knew this wassomething Spencer had to deal with on her own. Instead, she reached a hand upto Spencer’s face, stroked her cheek, stayed quiet.
“We can’t undo this,” Spencer said, so softly that Rebeccawondered if she was talking to her or to herself.
“I don’t want to undo it.”
“We have to live with it now.”
Rebecca nodded, unsure if a response was expected. Instead, sheburrowed in a bit closer, and they stayed that way, quiet, for a long time.
“I need to go,” Spencer finally said, and her tone was equal partsdetermination and regret.
“Okay.” Rebecca moved to let her up, then watched as Spencerdressed, watched as Spencer didn’t look at her. It wasn’t unexpected, ifRebecca was being honest, but it still stung.
When she was finally dressed, Spencer did look. Her face said somany things to Rebecca in that moment: that she was sated, that she was sad,that she regretted what they’d done, that she didn’t…
As Spencer turned for the door, Rebecca sat up and spoke. She feltlike she had to. Had to say something. Anything. She could only come up withone word, though. “Spencer.”
Spencer cleared her throat. “Yeah, we can’t do this again.”
Rebecca leaned her head to the right, smiled tenderly. “You saidthat about last time,” she said, her voice soft.
Spencer’s throat moved as she swallowed. “I know.” The two wordswere whispered so quietly, Rebecca barely heard them. And then, withoutwarning, Spencer crossed the room, was in Rebecca’s arms, her face burrowedinto Rebecca’s neck, her grip tight, like she was afraid if she let go, she’dbe swept away. Rebecca did what she’d thought about earlier: wrapped her armsaround this beautiful, conflicted woman and held her tight, uncertain what elseshe could do.
And then, again without warning, Spencer let go, turned, and left.Rebecca heard the front door close and Spencer’s car start up.
Rebecca sat, staring at the empty doorway of her bedroom, thealluring scent of sex still hanging in the air, and tried without success tofigure out where to go next. And don’t get her started on the wild emotionsrunning through her head right then like a bunch of dogs let off their leashes.
It was fine.
She started there.
Everything was fine. They’d had a little fling, nothing more. Nobig deal. Happened all the time. It was fun (and could be muchmorefun), but Spencerwas spoken for and Rebecca had to accept that. Consciously shutting down thatpart of her brain, closing it off from the rest, she did her best to shake itaway.
It was a one-time—okay,two-time—thingand it was done now.
For sure.
No more.
Chapter Fourteen
By Monday morning, Spencer was very confused. By several things.Her head was a jumble of thoughts, emotions, and feelings, none of which seemedto want to be sorted. They just tumbled together in her head, like a load ofwet towels in a dryer, mixing and mingling colors, until they were a blur ofspin-art, swirling in her brain, making her slightly nauseous.
Since the moment she’d left Rebecca’s house, Spencer had waitedfor the guilt, the horror of her actions, to come crashing down and bury her.What have I done? What was Ithinking? That was so unlike me!That was the big one. What she’ddone was completely out of character. She was a good girl. She did what she wastold. Always had. What in the world had come over her?
She waited the rest of the day on Saturday, but aside from thosethree thoughts running on a loop through her head, that was it. She’d waitedall day Sunday. She’d gone to Marti’s house Sunday afternoon to watch footballand braced herself. Marti had pecked her on the lips, popped open a beer, andsat down with a few work pals she’d invited over. Two guys and a girl, a bowlof salt and vinegar chips, some cheese and crackers, and her Jets on thetelevision.
Spencer had stood in the kitchen and literally looked around,searching for a tumult of awfulness that never came.
Marti barely noticed when Spencer muttered something about somework stuff she’d forgotten and left to sleep at her own house. Spencer didn’twant to be around strangers. She didn’t want to be around Marti.
She was not at all happy about what she’d done. That was certainlynot the case. She felt bad about it, guilty, and in fact, she was horrendouslydisappointed in herself. She’d gone over to Rebecca’s to apologize for lettingthings progress on Friday, to tell her not to worry, it wouldn’t happen again.And then she’d literally thrown herself at Rebecca.Shehad made the move! Spencer! The girlwho didn’t make the moves anymore. God, she was annoyed with herself. For nothaving better self-control. For giving in to temptation so quickly. For notfeeling horrible, like she should.
