Tony said he had a quick errand to run and was out the door before I had a chance to question him. He probably ran out to get me flowers and chocolate for today. As sweet as that gesture is, it will in no way top my surprise. I will crush Valentine’s Day this year and spoil Tony just as much as he spoils me.
I’m scrolling through my phone to kill time and figure that now is as good a time as ever to finally look at the email my mother sent me a few weeks ago.
I make myself comfortable on the couch as I brace myself for what I’m about to read.
My dearest Nicolette,
I know that actions speak louder than words, and I vow to make good on my promise of being a better parent to you. While I work on myself, I thought that it might help you understand me better if I open up to you about my past.
I’ll try to keep this letter brief, since I would love to discuss these matters in person, but long story short—I struggle with what I now know to be abandonment issues. When I was a little girl, my father, the man I loved most, left me and my mother for his secretary. I don’t think I’ve ever recovered from that betrayal and sense of loss. When I met your father, it was the first time I let my walls down. And as you know, I instantly fell madly in love with him. Only to have history repeat itself.
When I gave birth to you, I felt this overwhelming sense of love. So much poured out of me when I held you in my arms. You were and have always been the very best thing to happen to me, and if only one thing resonates with you in this letter, please let it be this. There is nothing and no one on this planet that I have loved more than you.
But that also became a double-edged sword for me, because it meant that you held the power to be my biggest heartbreak ever. I know it sounds silly, now that I’m actually writing this down, but I always had a feeling that at some point in time, you would do the same as your father and grandfather did and leave me. Every person I loved had, so why would you be any different? What terrified me even more was that my love for you as my child was exponentially greater than any love I had ever experienced, so I knew the heartache would probably break me until there were no pieces left to pick up.
I’ve spent decades looking for superficial love in all the wrong places as a distraction. This is why I always felt it was safer to keep you at a bit of a distance. Almost like if I kept space between us, it would spare my heart from crumbling. But in reality, I was wrong, and I heavily regret the pain that my actions have caused you.
As you know, I’m currently working on myself, and I know that will take time. And if you still need time away from me, please take it. My issues aren’t something that should guilt you into a relationship with me.
But if or when you’re ready, please let me know, and I’ll be on the first flight out of Miami and into your arms.
Love,
Mom
I silently wipe a tear away as I reread the email three more times. I feel like I’m meeting my mom for the very first time in this letter.
My chest fills with an array of emotions. This is in no way a clean slate or an excuse for the years of pain and neglect I felt. The damage is done. My personality, strengths, and flaws have been carved out of the actions of my parents. And though I desperately wish my childhood had been different, I can’t change the past.
My mom and I may never have a “normal” mother and daughter relationship. Just like my dad and I may always have those awkward lulls in conversation during lunch. But something I now have, that I never had before, is a chance.
As much as I would love to put up a front and act as though I’m indifferent to my parents, I can’t. I still feel like the little girl who grew up in Miami, wondering why she’d never met her dad or why her mom never showed up at her school activities.
I know, especially in my field of work, that it isn’t easy to accept accountability or to take that very first step toward redemption. And although that still doesn’t take the pain away, I think I may benefit from a bit of healing that only my parents can help facilitate.
I don’t give it much thought as I pull up our text message thread and quickly type.
Nikki: Read your letter. Hope you’re ready to experience New York City in the middle of February.
Her response is immediate.
Mommy Dearest: As long as I get to hug you, it’ll be the warmest place on earth. I’ll look at flights now. Love you, Nikki.
I might have to look into changing her contact name.
My chest feels lighter as we coordinate dates and plan for her to come up next week. This emotional rollercoaster was not something I had planned to go through on Valentine’s Day, but in honor of the holiday that boasts about love, it feels good to spread a little of it with my mom.
* * *
Tony comes back an hour later with bagel sandwiches. No flowers or chocolate in sight. I would harp more on it if I wasn’t bursting at the seams to show him his gift. We eat quickly and make our way into the frigid New York city streets.
Tony pulls me closer to his right side to keep me warm as we wait on the curb for the Uber I ordered. It’s way too cold and not as romantic to take the subway on this slow Saturday afternoon. “Where are you taking us, and why did we have to leave the warm apartment where I could keep you naked all day?” Tony mutters into my ear.
I giggle as our ride pulls up in front of us, and we get in.
He pulls me back into his arms as soon as we’re seated. He raises an eyebrow as he notices the direction we’re going in.
For the past few weeks, Evan and Tony have been working with a real estate agent to look for spaces to lease for his brewery. I know Tony had his heart set on a specific one in Brooklyn, although he would never admit it out loud. Nope, instead I would catch him at least once a day staring at the building specs on his phone.
