When the tears finally subside, I speak. “You have to understand. I’m an immigrant in this country. Even though I came here when I was young, it doesn’t take much to remind me that I’m an outsider, or that I was ‘allowed’ to stay here by becoming a naturalized citizen as a teen.” I roughly wipe away another tear. “And if that isn’t enough to influence my decisions, I also bore witness to my parents’ struggles in this country. And their constant mantra of ‘we’re doing this for you and Amelia, so you’ll have a better future. All of our sacrifices are so you can live a better life.’” I grunt. “But am I?” I raise my voice slightly. “Because when that constant line is drilled into you all of your life, the meaning starts to change. It feels like you’re an investment. An investment in which your family expects a return on. Something that should come so easily because they already made all the sacrifices.” I try to reel in my anger as I continue. “As much as I love my parents and I know they love me, there was always a thinly veiled threat against stepping out of line or trying to go for something, anything, that didn’t have a guarantee at the finish line. I was always told to follow my dreams or to find a job I enjoyed, but always within the known parameters of acceptable jobs. Doctor, lawyer, teacher… I mean, I just listed the jobs of every person related to me. Even those not by blood.” I shake my head, feeling duped that I didn’t see this sooner. Didn’t realize how programmed I was to abide by these invisible laws.
“I won’t make the decision right now, but I know something has to change. I won’t let this spill into the next phase of my life I’m about to embark on.”
Kelly quirks a brow. “And what phase is that?”
For the first time during this session, a genuine smile takes over my face. “It’s a long story, but after all this time, she told me she remembered.”
“Nikki?” Kelly asks.
“Yep.” I nod. “And… we’re in love.” I now smile widely.
Kelly looks at the watch on her wrist, not hiding the pleased look on her face. “My next appointment isn’t for another hour.”
That’s all she needs to say to let me know that I’ve got the next hour to spill about the woman I’ve mentioned countless times in this room.
* * *
Even though I don’t have a clear plan, I leave therapy feeling much lighter than I have in months, maybe years.
I leave the office and zip my coat up higher. January in the city is not as kind as January in the Dominican Republic. I’ll tell you that.
I pull out my phone to send Nikki a text. Something that feels odd to do since we never texted before we left to spend the New Year in paradise. Just a random text here and there about logistics for Amelia’s birthday party or directions to a family member’s home.
When I look down at my screen, I’m delighted to see that I already have two messages from her waiting for me.
Nikki: How did your meeting go??
Nikki: Miss you so much! Can I stay over tonight? I can pick up dinner. xo.
I respond quickly.
Tony: Is that even a question? And don’t even think about an overnight bag. I want to see that large suitcase Bergdorf packed for you filled with everything you need. Including all your work stuff. I refuse to sleep alone tonight… or any other night.
Nikki: Hi caveman.
Nikki: Was wondering when you would make an appearance.
Tony: Hi baby. Don’t worry about dinner. I feel like cooking tonight.
Nikki: Ohhh I love having a stay at home boyfriend!
Tony: Watch it. I might make you pay for that.
Nikki: Always so bossy.
Tony: I’ll show you bossy.
Nikki: Looking forward to it. See you at home ;)
Home. I love how she called me her home last night. And I promise to make my apartment feel like her home as well.
I take a detour toward Trader Joe’s, and an hour later, my cart is overflowing with all the essentials, plus a couple of things I’m sure Nikki would like.
As I’m comparing which sauvignon blanc Nikki would prefer, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket.
Nikki: Hey, change of plans. Gonna stay home tonight instead.
The fuck she is.
