It wasn’t as if it was a clean cut, like a caesarean section. It was a ragged gash that tore from one side of my stomach to the other.
I knew they were going to ask about it, eventually. I was surprised Kai hadn’t brought it up since we’d been making love for so long.
It was a conversation we needed to have at some point. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to have it with the alphas. Well, particularly Caspian.
All Zania seemed to talk about was bloodlines and keeping everything pure. Even though they said they were fighting against it, that didn’t mean the three of them didn’t want children.
Kai dragged me into a hug as the tension got to me. He held me so tight and poured so much emotion into me that I softened instantly.
“Once we’ve become a pack, no one will do anything to you. I promise. Whatever it is, we’ll keep you safe.”
I pressed my lips closed, holding back my question:Like Zania doesn’t do anything to you?
He leaned back as his fingers glided over the scar, staring intensely at it, and I recoiled from him.
Even with the trust we had built up since I arrived, I didn’t want him to touch it. Sin holding my scar as we made love was a lot, but he hadn’t focused on it and examined the way Kai was.
“Hey, if you end up getting pregnant from when Cas fucked you during your heat, we can talk about it.” Though I didn’t miss the small jab of disgust which flew from him as a flash of darkness swept through him.
I didn’t want to ask him what that emotion was. He had shown me enough when he broke down after I had sex with Sin.
Though omegas could only get pregnant through a heat, I couldn’t imagine how Kai would feel if I became pregnant after one night with either of them.
I didn’t know how to hide my feelings from him yet. He said the three of them could block themselves from each other, and that he shut out Sin and Cas sometimes when we were making love because he wanted to keep me all to himself.
And I could sense he was hiding that disgust from me now.
“I mean, I’m infertile as fuck. I could fill you with absolute buckets and nothing would come out. Sin and Cas are going to be your baby daddies in the end.”
But the face he made and the bile rising in his throat told me how he really felt. And nausea rolled through me as well.
I couldn’t stop the shame that grew in me. It crept up from the scar, winding around my stomach, squeezing my lungs and throat.
I dropped my chin, biting my bottom lip to hide it, but it was so strong that it came pouring out of me.
A whimper fell from my lips. I didn’t want to feel it, and I didn’t want to show it to Kai. I started curling up to hide the scar.
“Hey, sorry,” he said, wrapping his fingers through mine. “I was just joking around. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Upsetting wasn’t the right word. I didn’t think I could get upset about it anymore. It was like how I thought I was a beta. I had no choice but to accept it because there was nothing else I could do.
That didn’t stop me being jealous of Rosa or feeling excluded because I couldn’t relate to anyone who had a child. It didn’t matter that I was broken, because there was nothing I could do about it, so I had to get on with my life.
Or that’s what I’d thought.
Omegas talked about how they never wanted kids growing up, and how, as soon as they presented, they were filled with a need to get pregnant. But that didn’t happen to me. No urges or sudden mothering instinct. I’d spent my whole life taking care of Rosa and now Mum, and there was nothing in me driving me towards having a child. Especially after seeing the way Rosa’s life revolved around Tommy and spoiling him.
The fact Zania mentioned it every single time we met made me hate the idea even more. Even if I could have kids, why would I want to bring one into a world where she would be part of its life?
“It’s okay,” I sighed. “It’s not like I’ve told you what happened. And you all made pretty horrible assumptions about me whenyou asked about it,” I said, trying to joke with him in return, even though it was the worst reaction anyone had ever had when they saw the scar.
Kai grimaced as he rubbed his forehead, groaning as the regret flowed through him and into me.
“Yeah, we really were fucking shit about it, weren’t we? I don’t even think ‘sorry’ makes up for that, seriously.”
He spread his aura over me, bathing me in his love.
“I’m one hundred percent different now, I promise,” he said, kissing the back of my hand so softly that my heart clenched.
