“Biting?” I echo, dropping my forehead to my knees and breathing deeply, a small shaky laugh coming out of me.
I hear an unwilling smile in Alaina’s voice. “Yes, biting. Is that what you want for the boys?”
I sit in silence, unsure of how to answer. I don’twantany of this. What Iwantis to have them at home with me and for none of this to be happening. But I don’t get what I want. Biting is the least of my problems right now. I need to save all of our lives.
I wrap my hand even tighter around the base of the phone so that it cuts into my palm and I beg, “Please, Alaina, I need your help with this. Just for a little while, and then that’s it.”
There’s a pause where I wonder if she contemplates the same things as me, what she wants and what she has to do, virtue vs. duty and all the rest.
Finally, she says, “Fine, Caroline, but after this, I don’t know where our friendship stands.”
Swallowing hard, I say, “You’re stillmyfriend, Alaina. That’s why I call on you. I know you’ll answer.”
“I’m answering for your children,” she says, and I say goodbye after she’s already ended the call.
I rest my cheek on my knees and breathe through the pain of losing a friend, of knowing that I’ve ruined one of my only constants over the past four years.
After a while, I wake up disoriented, a crick in my neck. I don’t know how long it’s been since I fell asleep back here except that I can hear the pitter-patter of footsteps in the hallway and Declan saying, “No, we have to all brush our teeth.”
Then I hear Rian insisting, “Yes, even you. Why wouldn’t you have to?”
I smile and wipe the sleepy slobber from my cheek. It’s funny to hear these terrifying men care for children. I think I hear one of them humming a lullaby, or maybe it’s a children’s TV show theme song. Whatever it is, the boys join in.
Their giggles and singing echo down the hallway. I can almost pretend everything is fine and normal, that we are a family, if an unconventional one. My feelings are becoming hard to ignore. I want them all too badly. I’m imagining the future far too often. I see them all in it. I’m not sure if that’s an option, but I want it to be one.
Doors open, and doors close. Giggling, music, and then more doors. I try to track the bedtime routine from my hiding spot. Bathroom visit, pajamas, nighttime music to sleep to, leaving the room. I hear water running, so I know Joshua has asked for his first glass of water. He’ll probably ask for about four more before he really sleeps. I smile into my knees and consider coming out of hiding to help.
But it’s different with the brothers. The boys don’t ask for glass after glass. They ask for the one, and it’s over. All this time I wondered if a male figure in the house would help. I never considered three. I never in a million years considered their actual…fathers? Father? I don’t know how I’m thinking of it anymore. In my mind, they’re all the fathers, though I know it’s impossible.
The door to my bedroom creaks open, and the men walk in, calling my name. Finally, Rian says, “She’s hiding.”
“Let her,” Declan says, and it stings. Maybe unconsciously I wanted to be found. Or at least looked for.
“I’m not saying to tear up the house. I’m just saying…” Rian trails off. I don’t understand what he’s trying to say, as much as I want to.
Kellan speaks next, low and tense. “She’ll have to come out eventually.”
“I think she’s preparing to die,” Rian answers. That stings. It isn’t true. I’m preparing for war, not death.
“She’s going to send them away,” Kellan says, voice tight.
“Wouldn’t you?” Declan replies, and I hear the weight of the mattress shifting. I rise to my hands and knees and crawl over to the door of the closet, looking through the crack at them. Declan’s on the bed, Kellan is standing near my bedside table, and Rian is closer to the closet.
“I don’t know,” Kellan whispers, and his voice sounds different. I look over at him. He’s pale. Haunted. He chews on the inside of his cheek. “They’re ours too. We could tell her not to.”
“Why would we?” Rian asks.
“I want them out. They shouldn’t have to be here for it. They’ve seen enough already,” Declan replies distantly.
For a moment, I watch them all and sit in the silence with them, though they don’t know it. It’s like they’re using all their strength to hold the world together.
Finally, Rian says, “I want to be with her. I want us all to be a family. I don’t want to know who the father is.”
My cheeks burn hearing him talk like that about me. In the darkness, my heart pounds so loudly that I’m afraid they can hear it.
Declan tenses his jaw. “If I ever shared a woman with you, Rian, it would be Caroline.” He chuckles a little, a sound that always sounds cruel from him. He licks his cracked lips and shakes his head. “If.”
“I could do it. She…she makes me want to be different. I could do it for her,” Kellan blurts out, tapping the table slightly with his fingers. He pushes off it and pushes his shirt up his forearms, revealing the light blonde hair on his arms and the bulging of his veins. His glance is furtive between his brothers.
