I felt exactly the same.
Chapter Twenty-two
Bea
WhenClarahadaskedme to be a bridesmaid, I’d gone straight to Anthony for advice. He’d laid out all my potential duties, which, according to him, involved a terrifying amount of crafts and tulle. Thankfully, Clara had quickly put my fears to rest. All she wanted was for me to wear a pretty dress and stand beside her.
That, I could do.
So, here we were: Clara, Shira, and I out shopping for dresses. Mostly, it was an excuse to catch up. Clara claimed she was too old to have matchy-matchy bridesmaids, which meant we were free to play.
I held up a slinky satin number in crimson and waggled my brows. “This saysmaid of honor…in a slutty way.”
Clara snorted. “Perfect. That’s exactly the vibe I want for my wedding.”
Shira patted Jonah’s bottom in the carrier strapped to her front as she sifted through racks of colorful gowns. “I need something to accommodate my chest. But loose enough to pop a boob out so I can pump.”
I pursed my lips. “See? Shira’s on board with the slutty vibe. She’s already planning on having her tits out.”
Clara bumped her shoulder into mine. “I’m rethinking asking you to be a bridesmaid.”
I curved my arm around her waist. “I’ll be on my best behavior, darling. You know I’m honored you want me standing with you.”
“I promise not to take my tits out in front of your guests,” Shira teased softly.
“I never doubted you.” Clara plucked a buttery yellow dress off the rack and waved it at her. “This would look gorgeous on you. You have to try it on.”
Shira looked down at the gurgling baby attached to her. “Okay, I wasn’t thinking this through when I put him in the carrier instead of the stroller. Maybe I’ll buy a couple and try them on at home.”
I put my arms out. “Or you could hand that giant baby over to his Aunt Bea.”
Shira gave me a grateful look and started unbuckling Jonah. He was only three months old, but he took after his father and was already the size of a six-month-old. Seeing him in petite Shira’s arms was almost comical, but they looked just right together. She was a natural mother—laid back and adoring—and Jonah was a reflection of that ease.
I took Jonah from her, immediately nuzzling his button nose. He cooed and flailed his chunky arms, settling quickly. He was just as easygoing as his parents, happily hanging out in the arms of people he was familiar with.
While Shira disappeared into the dressing room, I sat with Jonah, telling him all about the dresses in the shop. Without warning, a pang of nostalgia struck so bone deep, it took my breath away.
My baby sister, Madeleine, had been a chunk like Jonah. She’d had curls like his too, but where his were dark, hers had been strawberry blonde. From the beginning, she’d squirm and fuss, but when I’d hold her, she’d find my gaze and stare like she was mesmerized.
My brother, Davis, had been long and lean, but oh, had he been a snuggler. Even as a wild toddler, he’d stop in the middle of a whirlwind to sit on my lap and nuzzle as close as he could get without living in my skin. If that had been an option, I was sure he would have taken it.
Maddie would be turning eighteen this year.Eighteen. A whole adult. And I didn’t know her. Davis was sixteen. Sometimes when I was driving, I wondered if we were on the road at the same time.
Through Caroline, I’d seen pictures and gotten little updates, but that was it. I could have been nothing more than an internet stranger browsing their social media. I didn’t know what their voices sounded like or if either had a boyfriend or girlfriend. I didn’t know where Maddie planned to apply for college, or if Davis ever thought about me. I had never even met my youngest sister, Jane.
I wondered if she even knew I existed.
Losing them had been the greatest tragedy of my life. I would never get over it. Still, even after all this time, it hit me some days harder than others.
Jonah wiggled in my arms, drawing my attention back to him, and I smiled. It was impossible not to.
“I see you, big boy,” I singsonged. “You are the sweetest boy in the world, aren’t you? I’m going to eat your face off. That’s what I’m going to do.”
Shira’s laugh rang out as she left the dressing room. “Please don’t eat my baby.”
“Just a little bite?” I lifted his hand to my mouth and pretended to nibble it.
Clara returned with an armload of dresses, scanning Shira up and down. “Oh, wow. You look incredible in yellow. How do you feel?”
