Not yet, though. The time wasn’t even close to right.
I’d gone to my new home after meeting Bea at my old one, feeling dejected but not yet out of the game. I should have known she wouldn’t fall into my arms. I was lucky she had the first time around.
In many ways, she was right. Wewerelittle more than strangers. But it wasn’t often that I felt comfortable enough to open up to someone like I had with her. Rarely did I let my guard down and show all the awkward, strange, and genuine parts of who I was.
She wouldn’t appreciate my deception. I knew that. But I had a plan. A structure. A sequence to reveal the truth in palatable increments.
I was already on my back foot with her, though, so that would wait. There were other steps I had to take first. If she didn’t want anything to do with me ever again, my plan was moot anyway. And as much as I would have liked to control that outcome, this decision was out of my hands. Bea had to come around to me and give me another chance.
Lying in my bed, Bea and I exchanging a few messages about grief and loss, a knot lodged in my throat—the one always there when I thought of Tia. I ignored it, focusing on her questions.
Bea:Can we change the subject? I’m bumming myself out.
Me:Of course. Do you need anything?
Bea:I don’t know. Maybe. I’m thinking about dating. Should I use an app? They’re gross, right? Which one is the least disgusting?
I sat up, my back against my headboard, frowning at my phone. She hadn’t mentioned dating in two years. Had spending time with me made her want to reach for someone else? That wasn't part of the plan.
Me:I can research that topic for you. Is there a reason you’re considering using a dating app?
Bea:Curiosity, I suppose. I don’t know. Let’s forget about it.
Me:What are you curiousabout?
Bea:Can I belong to someone? I’m not sure I have it in me. But…seeing Shira with Roman, and Clara with Jake…I’ve been thinking about having that for myself.
Me:That’s understandable, Bea. Your friends found their partners in their real lives, didn’t they?
Bea:Clara and Jake, yes. Can I tell you a secret about Roman and Shira?
Me:Of course you can.
Bea:They met through a fantasy fulfillment app. My shy girl Shira. Can you even?
I dropped my phone in my lap, stunned. I wasn’t aware of an app like that, which facilitated matches. What app could she be talking about?
Would Bea want to use it?
If so, I had to be there. I needed to ensure whoever she matched with...was me.
Me:What’s the app called? I don’t have it in my database.
Bea:Oh, Ant, you little perv. You want to get your robot freak on?
Me:Once again, I’m not a robot.
Bea:You’re so cute. I’m glad we had this chat tonight. I was feeling pretty grumpy, and you turned it all around.
My chest swelled, only to deflate a second later with the knowledge I’d been the one to put her in a foul mood in the first place.
Me:Talking to you is always a pleasure. You’ve changed your mind about dating?
Bea:For now. I just needed to get some chaos out. Good night, my friend.
Me:Good night, Bea.
With a groan, I tossed my phone to the side and pressed my palms into my eyes. Bea’s smoky voice, teasing and edgy, looped in my brain. I’d been the cause of her bad mood tonight, but I’d also been the cure.
