Yet a part of him waited for her to return, to tell him he had the right of it, marriage was the best option after all.
But she did not, and each second ticked away on the nearby clock left him more alone than before.
But for the crackling fire.
And the pianoforte, the only true love he should ever covet.
Four
Clara barely felt the fine grain of the door beneath her fingertips as she pushed it open. She slammed it shut and jumped, closing her eyes, popping them back open to stare at the ceiling because therehestood in the darkness of her memory, kissing her, his lips a finer satin than the wood grain. Her heart spun in her chest like a lathe, and she pressed a hand against it to calm it before it shredded her to bits.
Lips lied. With such hellish ease. No need to put his to memory.
“Mama?”
She squeaked, jolted. “Oh! Alfie. Ha ha.” A hollow laugh. Hopefully he wouldn’t notice. “I didn’t see you there.”
Her son sprawled on his belly across her bed, legs kicking up behind him, a book open before him. A sunbeam spilled across him, and the shadows she’d carried into the room seemed to dissolve in the bright, warm light.
“Aren’t you supposed to be with Miss Williams for violin lessons?” A smooth voice, no lathe heart spinning madly in it. Excellent. Best to focus on the practical bits of the present when the future seemed a void.
Had he truly proposed because he wanted to bed her whenshe’dwanted only to be hired for her skill? A shiver flew through her. Of desire or fear?She’dleaned intohim. He’d tried to scare her off, and she’d melted into him like butter in the sun. Mortifying. Sheknewbetter. Her body, apparently, knew something else.
“I don’t like violin.” Alfie’s nose scrunched into an expression she knew well. “Too scratchy.”
“On your skin?”
“In my ears.”
When she laughed this time, it did not feel forced. Alfie always soothed her. And she would always protect him. “That just means you need more practice.”
He sat up right and crossed his legs in front of him. “You look ill. Are you ill?”
She joined him on the bed, stroked his hair. “No, darling. I’m perfectly well.” She would be. She had to be. For him. “I’m only slightly irritated you’re not with Miss Williams.”
“I’m slightly irritatedbyMiss Williams.”
She kissed the top of his head, then wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Alfie, we may have to set off in a day or two.”
“To Briarcliff? Did that man hire you?”
“No.” Had she done right? To reject the one thing he’d offered? It would have taken her from London. It would have given her all the protection he’d mentioned. Yet… she would have once more lost her independence, surrendered control to a man she had no reason to trust. Could she conduct the same experiment twice and expect different results? Not likely.
Alfie made a tiny grumbling noise and flailed his legs just a bit. “But you’re the best. He should have hired you.”
She squeezed him. “Thank you for thinking so.”
“It’s true. It’s unfair.”
“Perhaps so, but I cannot make the man do as I wish him to.”
“He’s a beast.”
“He’s not.” She ruffled his hair. “Do not worry about him, darling.”
Alfie twisted his mouth to the side. “I could put frogs in his boots.”
“Alfie—”
