‘What – what are you doing here?’ Seeing his face, his expression layered in anxiety, his vulnerabilities playing out, somehow reminds me of the love we shared. Or the love I felt, at any rate. Those dreams I had for my future bounce right back to the fore – the soft satin of my wedding dress as it slipped over my body, the excitement and trepidation I felt about the idea of walking down the aisle to meet my handsome groom. Who stands before me now, with a hint of devastation in his eyes that he tries hard to mask. ‘Oh – ah God. I’m sorry, Miles, but you being here, well, it’s a bit of a shock.’
There are audible gasps from the Unlucky in Love Travel Club. Jasper’s face falls, and he drops his arms, stepping away from me. His sudden distance feels almost like a betrayal. As if I’m left marooned, alone in a sea of startled faces. By the dark angry gleam in Jasper’s eye, he’s the one who feels betrayed.
This is my worst nightmare. I tried to tell them but clearly I didn’t try hard enough. And now he’s here and they’re confused. Hurt. Jasper’s hands are fisted by his side.
‘Miles is alive?’ Princess says under her breath.
‘I came to fix things, Aubrey. Fix us. But it looks like I’m too late.’ His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as if he’s swallowing shock. I feel like a horrible human.
The carriage falls silent and all eyes are on me. I’m exposed as a fraud. Time slows to a crawl and for the life of me, I can’t think of a response. Miles’s face reddens the longer I leave the silence hanging.
I don’t dare look at Jasper, but steal glances at the rest of the Unlucky in Love Travel Club, for help, for guidance, for courage maybe. CJ’s mouth is a perfect O. Karen’s eyes are comically wide and Barry is blinking away like he’s trying to process it all. Behind the bar, Sabrina bites down on her lip and shakes her head. Do they feel deceived by my lies too? Princess steps forward, her expression neutral, impossible to read.
‘Excuse me,’ she says to Miles with a gentle smile. ‘I believe this is a conversation best taken in private…’
27
23 DECEMBER, STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN
Back in my cabin, I sit on the edge of the bed and Miles slumps in the chair near the writing desk.
While I feel guilty, I shrug that sense off. Miles left me. He’s got some explaining to do. ‘What happened, Miles? What made you decide that abandoning me ten minutes before the wedding was a good idea?’
He covers his face with his hands. ‘I’m sorry, Aubrey. I really am. I had a panic attack. A bad one. Everyone in the church witnessed it.’
‘I’m sure they all understood, it’s a big day, nerves are high and?—’
‘No, it’s more than that, Aubrey. I’m prone to them but I’ve managed to hide it from you so far, from everyone, which upon reflection wasn’t a smart move. I didn’t want you to think less of me.’
‘I’d never think less of you for something like that, you know that, right?’ Why would he try to hide that from me? ‘You sharing your vulnerabilities would have only brought us closer together.’
‘Yeah, that’s what Leo said too. It’s just… I’d almost had a handle on them of late, and then with the wedding creeping up, I had a cluster of them. Funnily enough, it’s the thought of travelling that mostly brings them on.’
And he never told me that? ‘And yet you’re here.’ Did he battle his travel demons for me?
‘I’m here because I love you and I’d do anything for you. I made a huge mistake, running like that and leaving you to deal with the fallout.’
‘Why didn’t you call me? I had no idea how you felt or what happened between us. It hurt, Miles, being discarded and then absolute radio silence.’
His face twists in embarrassment and I see the toll this has taken on him. Miles is all about how he’s perceived by others, so I start to piece together how he must’ve felt in that moment waiting for me at the church.
‘I wanted to have a chat face to face, not via text or video call, and maybe a small part of me was afraid too, afraid that I’d made a big mistake that couldn’t be fixed. I should have had this conversation with you before the wedding, then I was going to have it with you after, but I got violently ill. I’m not saying your sister is at fault but I have my suspicions – but anyway, I did have some worries about us, silly things, like you’d bankrupt us with all your travelling, or insist I go away all the time when really I’m most comfortable at home. But we can both make compromises, I see that now.’
‘Bankrupt you? I have never spent a penny of your money, nor would I.’ Early on, I insisted we keep our finances separate. I like being in control of what I earn and budgeting accordingly.
He has the grace to blush. ‘Yeah, but I thought things might change once we were married.’
I keep my expression neutral. ‘I wish you’d reached out to let me know the love we shared was real. Apparently you thought you’d rushed into the relationship and it had all moved too fast – that didn’t feel good, Miles, especially when it was you doing the rushing. There I was sitting out at the front of the church, hearing that news. It broke my heart.’
Can this be fixed? Can we go back to dreaming about our future together? I picture the cottage I had my eye on, with its garden full of fragrant wild roses. The holidays I’d hoped we’d take – with or without children. We’d know when the time was right, wouldn’t we, if the time was ever right? The cosy movie nights. The candlelit dinners I’d burn. Lazy Sundays, coffee and croissants in bed together, if Miles would agree carbs were OK sometimes and put the gym off for just one day. And what would I need to give up – sorry, compromise – to make Miles’s vision a reality?
‘I’m sorry, Aubrey. I’ve handed this all wrong, I know that. I love you so much, do you feel me?’ He stands up and moves towards me. When he’s close, he drops on one knee. ‘Will you marry me, Aubrey? We’ll have the sweet intimate wedding that you wanted and we’ll honeymoon in a little B&B in Devon…’
Isn’t this what I wanted? Honesty? A solid future with a man who loves me? And that’s exactly what Miles is offering, a safe, secure future. I have the beautiful dress, an open heart… and without question I know it beats only for one man.
28
23 DECEMBER, STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN
