Jasper jumps back as if he’s been zapped, and not in a good way. I could cheerfully kill my neighbour. Like, can’t he read the room?
‘Hamilton.’ I give him a nod. ‘Where’s Georgiana?’
He waves into the middle distance. ‘Oh, I left her at the bar with Princess.’ He rubs the back of his neck. ‘I’ve got some making up to do. We had a chat this morning and it seems I’ve been rather letting her down. I’ve been a bit of a bad roommate. I asked her to move in with me after this trip and she said yes, with a caveat – picking up after myself.’ He blushes. ‘I’d die for that woman. Oh, how dramatic do I sound? I’m just glad she was honest with me so it didn’t become a divide between us. I best show her that I’m a tidy housemate.’
He’s so animated and clearly very in love with Georgiana. I’m glad she spoke up and that he took it on board. ‘Congratulations on moving in together.’ I’m genuinely happy for them.
‘Thank you.’ His phone trills. ‘Business calls. Enjoy the evening.’ Hamilton lets himself into his cabin and Jasper and I are alone again, but the moment between us is lost.
‘They’re not our mystery couple, then,’ Jasper says.
I shake my head. ‘Nope. Not them. But they get their happy ever after, which is great. Meet you later for dinner?’
Jasper nods and gives me a wave, heading off back to his cabin. As I watch him stride away, I fight a pang of loneliness. How does it feel so right, so easy with Jasper? As if the world is suddenly full of colour, full of sound. Vibrant. As soon as he’s gone, it pales again. Dulls. If I didn’t know better, I’d say this was love at first sight. But how can that be? Isn’t that just fodder for romantic comedies? I run a fingertip over my bottom lip, the memory of Jasper’s mouth so tantalisingly close to mine before we were interrupted. But… what if it’s real? And this is my one chance to act? What’s the worst than can happen if I allow myself to dive into the unknown?
It’s too much, the idea it could be serious consumes me, so I let it go. Tell myself to find a distraction.
I take a moment to send Freya some travel pictures and ask how she is. She texts back:
Wow, stunning! I’m craving watermelon, is that weird?
I smile.
It would be weird not to crave watermelon! Get James on to it! x
* * *
Distraction is hard so I flop on my bed and do the unthinkable and video-call Rox for advice. When the train is stationed, the view out the window is the busy platform, other trains whizzing in and out, passengers disembarking, trundling heavy suitcases as they leave to explore the city. The Winter Wonderland Express takes a slow drive to each new destination during the night as we sleep, so we have woken up each morning to our next station and city of call.
‘Aubrey, are you being held against your will?’
‘What? No.’
‘Have you been kidnapped?’
‘Isn’t that the same thing?’
‘Not quite. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, seemingly not done under duress?’
Tonight, Rox’s hair is spiked up, punk-rocker style. Only Rox could get away with such a style and pull it off. ‘I’m… I’m confused.’ I go on to explain about Jasper and him inviting me to walk the Camino, which I readily accepted with no thoughts of ulterior motives, not even the fact that I find him incredibly alluring, and some of those auberges are a little remote where anything could happen. And then backtracked on my decision and told him I’d think about it.
‘Oh my God, he suggested the Camino? Does he know it’s like your lifelong dream?’
‘I know, isn’t it crazy! He’s doing a story on it and it just came up in conversation.’
‘Golly, it’s like you’re two peas in a pod. You’ve bent my ear about doing that walk for ages.’ A frown mars her brow. ‘So, what’s the issue here? You’ve always travelled like that, being invited here and there on the fly and rolling with it, because you can work anywhere with internet. And so what if you feel something for him – isn’t that reason enough to explore this thing? See where it leads?’
‘Yeah. When you put it like that it sounds simple. It’s just the walk is four weeks long. Imagine if a week into it, it goes pear-shaped.’
‘Then you part ways. You let him get a day ahead of you on the route and you complete the Camino under your own steam. Get your pilgrim passport stamped and there’s another bucket list item checked off. You have to do this, and honestly, at the risk of sounding like Mum, I’ll feel better knowing you’ve got a friend on the road with you.’
‘Thanks, Rox. I’m not sure why I’m so conflicted. The Miles situation has really knocked my confidence. It’s like I’m afraid to make any moves in case it’s the wrong one again. Jasper is lovely, too lovely, and I’m afraid that if I do give in to whatever feelings I have – the same thing will eventually happen. I don’t think I can take any more rejection because it does start to feel like maybe I’m the problem. What is the fatal flaw that stops any relationship of mine going the distance?’
Rox takes a moment to untangle the question. ‘Well, if you want me to list your flaws, of which there are many, I can. But in terms of love, I don’t think you do anything wrong per se, do you? True love doesn’t come easy, and you might have to admit to yourself that Miles wasn’t the one, not even close. You felt, for many reasons, a bit panicked and rushed into the idea of matrimony. Mum liked the idea of you having a travel buddy to keep you safe. Dad liked the idea of you being home again. Freya wanted you to have a million babies so you could do whatever they do at those hideous mothers’ groups with you by her side. And on and on. Even I probably had a hand in your decision – I also liked the idea of my big sister being in the same time zone. But that’s the thing, Aubrey. All those things are what we wanted, not what you wanted.’
I’ve suspected this all along but couldn’t admit it to myself, not really, because who makes big life decisions in such a flippant way just to go with the flow! ‘Yeah. And I guess trying to fit into that mould was never going to work. Not long term anyway.’ It’s like Jasper asked when we first met, was I truly looking to settle down or was I just settling? For second best. For a life I would eventually find mediocre, all because I felt that pressure to follow the crowd. Pressure I’d never felt before until I made that trip home and fell for my high-school crush and thought what if…?
‘What’s wrong with living for the moment like you’ve always done? You don’t normally think ten steps ahead, so why start now?’
