And I will hurt her again. I know this with bone-deep certainty. The reasons I rejected her five years ago haven’t changed. I’m still not strong enough to shelter her from the consequences of claiming her, to protect her from the politics and pressure of being an alpha’s mate without a wolf.
She still can’t shift. And though I love her anyway, I can’t have her. Because that weakness is one I can’t afford to allow into my life.
Carefully, moving as slowly as I can, I begin to shift her out of my arms. She makes a small sound of protest that nearly breaks me, but I force myself to push past it. Better to end this now, before I hurt her even more deeply.
Just as I manage to slip free, her eyes flutter open. One blue, one amber, both confused as she looks up at me.
“Kieran?” Her voice is soft, hesitant. “What’s wrong? Is it…”
The fae? No. She seems to realize that before she even finishes asking the question.
What’s wrong? Nothing. Everything. Me. I can’t answer.
“This was a mistake,” I say instead, the words bitter and hateful in my mouth. “We got caught up in the moment, but it can’t happen again.”
I watch the pain bloom in her eyes, see her rebuild every brick in the wall between us at once. She pulls the blanket up to cover her naked body as she sits up, shivering as soon as she leaves the cocoon of our shared warmth. The broken mate bond pulses with her pain, and I desperately want to take the words back, to gather her in my arms and never let her go.
But I can’t.
“A mistake.” The flat, angry way she repeats my words can’t cover the depth of her agonizing pain. “Right. Of course it was, because I still can’t shift, and you… you’re still the alpha’s son.”
She starts gathering her clothes, movements stiff and angry and she jerks them on over her body to cover her vulnerability. I want to help her, but I force myself to stay back, knowing that a single graze of my fingers over her soft skin might break me.
“Aurora, it’s not that?—”
“Don’t.” Her voice cracks. “Just… don’t. I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you’re about to give me.”
“It’s not an excuse.” The words burn coming out. “You deserve better than?—”
“Than what?” She whirls on me, eyes bright with tears. “Than you? Than this broken, awful thing between us, not quite mates, not quite nothing? You’re right, I do deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves me, who can say so without cringing. Someone who won’t keep playing with my feelings like this.”
Each word is a knife to my chest. “I’m not playing?—”
“Then what do you call tonight?” She gestures between us with shaking hands. “You kiss me, touch me,fuckme, make me feel things that I didn’t think I’d ever—” Breaking off, she wraps her arms around herself, as if to ward it all away. “And then you reject me all over again. It’s cruel, Kieran.”
“I know.” My voice comes out rough. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have had sex with you. It was a mistake, but I never meant to hurt you.”
Her laugh is a broken sound that wounds me. “That’s the thing, though, isn’t it? You did mean to hurt me. Five years ago, when you rejected me in front of everyone, you made sure to be as cruel as possible. And now you’re doing it again.”
“It’s not the same?—”
“Yes it is!” Angry, frustrated tears spill down her cheeks, one after the other. “You still think I’m not good enough for you, and you’re still so wrapped up in your father’s opinion that I don’t even know if you have one of your own. You let him dictate your life, your choices…” She laughs as she cries. “No, I shouldn’t blamehimfor your choices. This is what you want, isn’t it? To use me and throw me away. Because I’m not enough for you, and I never will be.”
I feel as if someone is reaching into my chest with dull, blunt fingers, pushing past my rib cage, and tearing my heart out. “Aurora, if you could just?—”
“Save it.” Snarling, she hastily wipes her eyes and lifts her chin to me in defiance. “I don’t want to hear it, any of it. This is the last time, Kieran. I won’t let you close again, won’t ever consider you a friend. You’ll never have a single piece of me. Not anymore.”
She grabs her things and packs them into her bike with trembling fingers. I want to help her, to explain, to make her understand. But what could I possibly say? She’s right about it, all of it.
I’m a coward. An asshole. The way I treat her is unacceptable. And I can’t even say that I have a good enough reason, because a better man would change the world to give her a place in it.
She walks her bike toward the road and starts the engine, climbing on as dawn breaks across the horizon. I don’t have to ask her where she’s going or what she’s doing; I have no doubt that she’s taking the northern road, in defiance of me, to warn the packs. After that, wherever she goes, whatever she does… I know that I’ve lost her for good this time.
So I don’t move. I don’t say anything. I can only watch as she starts her engine and speeds toward the road, taking part of me with her.
My wolf howls in anguish and pain, furious with me, clawing at my insides. The pain of rejection burns inside me, scalding my throat, worse than ever before, all because I had her and lost her.
This is what I wanted, I remind myself. To keep her safe. To be strong. To love her from a distance, and only ever a distance.
