Could I walk away?
If I didn’t, what would it mean?
“I…” My voice trailed off as I tried to speak. Uncertainty. Fear.
He pulled my hands into his, eyes meeting mine. “It’s okay. I get it. This circus isn’t for everyone. I understand you wanting out before it gets hotter.”
Again, the tone was bland, as if he was hiding every emotion he was really feeling behind a brick wall. I knew the energy it took to do that, hide what was trying to escape from you. I knew the sacrifice he was making to himself and what he wanted by giving me an out.
“I don’t know what I want at this moment. I…it’s just a lot to take in.” It was all true. The emotions flowing through me were saying to throw my arms around him, kiss him, and reassure him that a few little people taking pictures of us wasn’t enough to cause me to back away from what we’d started. But my brain was telling me to stop the campaign before it collapsed into a heap of body parts just like the ones that had come home to me in a coffin. Except, these parts would be mine. And Hannah’s. Our hearts and our lives strewn about instead of muscle and bone.
I ached in every single part of me.
Suddenly, the music Brady had played on Hannah’s keyboard on Saturday night filled the room. The notes he’d said he made up. The discord of soft and loud and slow and fast with Hannah’s own little twinkle of fairies dancing over the top of it. Us. The three of us. Mixed together.
It was beautiful.
It held so many possibilities.
Brady’s eyes grew wide as he listened. “She’s…there are not enough words… I can’t believe she remembered it so well.”
He had already snuck inside both of our hearts. It was too late for him to leave without causing damage. But he would do his best to leave us whole, because he seemed to look out for everyone in his life but himself. The way he was willing to just walk away if I thought it was the right thing to do when it was the last thing he really wanted was just one example.
I flung my arms around him, kissing him with a passion I’d thought would never be mine again. Passion for someone willing to give up their wants and desires for me. For Hannah.
He hesitated for a moment before his arms surrounded me and his lips pushed back. I could feel the relief coursing through him even when they weren’t my emotions—or maybe they were. All I knew was that I’d just tangled us deeper together instead of pulling us apart like I should have done.
There was no backing down now.
Not easily.
Not without tearing deep wounds into all three of us.
But I couldn’t walk away.
Not yet.
Maybe never.
Brady
NOBODY BUT YOU
“It begins and ends the same
If I had to choose what I couldn't lose
There'd only be one thing.”
Performed by Blake Shelton w/ Gwen Stefani
Written by Osborne / Copperman / McAnally / James
A clearing of a throat pulledme from Tristan’s embrace. My blood was pumping with relief and also regret. I’d been sure she’d want out. Who would want to stay with the circus-like shitstorm downstairs following them? Who would want their five-year-old mixed up in that? I’d told her the truth. This was just the beginning, and it would get worse before it died down.
But I couldn’t let her go. Not if she was willing to stay.
I wanted her and Hannah in my life.
