Elana
Tears escaped and rolled down my face that I swiped at with a fist.
I’d won a lot of music awards, but this was like winning the best of them all. Elana being proud of me. Of thinking I’d earned the right to be happy. To find love.
They were words I’d ached to hear from my parents for longer than was healthy. I’d given up on ever getting them. Mom wondered why I felt closer to Elana than her…It was because Elana had always seen me. Understood me. Supported and uplifted me.
Mom had seen the worst parts of me and continued to show them to me over and over again, blind to any of the good. I knew she loved me, but the love was twisted with disappointment that neither of us could let go of.
I put everything back in the chest, finished undressing, and then lay, looking at the ceiling with sleep escaping me. There were things I could and couldn’t do that Elana had asked. Letting the store or the festival go…it wasn’t within my abilities yet. They were still too tied to her. And I was sure Tristan felt the same way. Letting go of those things would be like saying Elana was truly gone. Neither of us could say goodbye to the woman who’d shaped us, guided us.
I was honored she wanted me to be there for Tristan and Hannah.CariñoandChiquita.I had wanted to be there for them all on my own, but this made that desire quadruple in size. They needed someone.
I needed someone.
Maybe Elana was right. Maybe we could be there for each other.
Love…
Love was another matter altogether. A topic for another day, maybe another lifetime. But this felt right. Me and them at this moment. Sharing this part of our journeys together.
I just had to make sure this time, for the first time in my life, my focus on what I wanted wouldn’t come at the cost of my sister’s health and well-being. I had to be there for all of them.
Tristan
DON’T STOP
“All I want is to see you smile
If it takes just a little while.”
Performed by Fleetwood Mac
Written by Christine McVie
I was in the process ofselling a stack of records to a tourist when Brady came into the store for Hannah’s lesson. He had two more sessions after Hannah with children he’d agreed to teach. It made the guilt twist in my stomach again because he was doing so much for us. Even if I knew in his heart it was really for Grams, it was still helping me when I needed it.
After the customer left, I went upstairs and mixed the last layer of paint I needed for the mural. I listened as my daughter’s sweet voice talked with Brady about chords and notes. The sound of“I Have a Dream”from yesterday faded into new notes from“Don’t Stop.”It continued to stun me into silence how talented she was.
When the chimes on the door went off, and Sheldon and his mom appeared at the top of the steps, I went into the practice room to make sure the two at the piano knew what time it was.
Hannah was grinning up at Brady as if he was Stevie Nicks in person, and it caught my heart, holding it captive for a few seconds.
“Hey, you two, Sheldon’s here for his turn at the Brady O’Neil experience,” I said, bringing two sets of eyes to mine, Hannah’s more golden than the deep amber of Brady’s, but I was caught again how he blended with her. As if he could belong to us when it was ridiculous to even think it.
Brady smiled. “The Brady O’Neil Experience. I like that.”
Hannah jumped down. “Is Stacy here yet?”
I shook my head. “Not quite.”
She turned back toward Brady. “Stacy is taking me back to see the chicks and then we are going to the mall to get all the things we need to fill Easter eggs for my party.”
“You’re having an Easter party?” he asked.
She giggled. “No, for my birthday party. It’s the day before Easter. You’re coming, right?”
How on earth did my little girl continue to invite this man into our lives when I was having a hard time being in the same room with him? It was sweet and endearing and completely exasperating.
