I mounted two steps before turning back to look at him. He was standing there, hands in his jeans pockets, eyes glimmering in the porchlight.
“I meant it,” he said. “I’ve never enjoyed a kiss like I did that one.” He was serious. No flirt. No tease. No infectious grin. “Can you at least tell me why you think it shouldn’t happen again?”
I looked down at my right hand that now held my wedding ring instead of my left. I’dmoved it there the day of Darren’s funeral—a brutal, daily reminder that I’d had something beautiful and lost it, but a promise not to forget it.
He saw the glance, saw me as I fidgeted with the ring.
“I have no idea what that must be like,” he said softly.
I looked up at him, fear skittering over my chest. A fear I couldn’t put behind me like the fear at the podium tonight. Straightened shoulders and a steady voice weren’t going to rid me of this. When I didn’t speak, he continued.
“To have something you love with all your heart. To have a future that is twined with someone else’s, only to have it ripped away.”
I closed my eyes, refusing to cry.
“Some days, you feel like death will be the only reprieve,” I said honestly.
He nodded slowly, thoughtfully.
“But you’re not dead. You’ve got that incredibly gifted little girl. You’ve got friends. You’ve got family. You still have love flowing through you. I can’t imagine he’d want you to keep it bottled up,” he said quietly.
“How could you possibly know?”
“Because it’s what I’d want for the woman I loved. I’d want them to be caressed and touched and held. I’d want them to be filled with happiness and joy. I’d want them to feel the overwhelming power of love all over again. From the very first beads of new love to the slow, syrupy drops of years spent together. All of it. A full life, not just a shell of one.”
He was right in so many ways. His words were an echo of something Nash had said to me years ago. It had pissed me off at the time, but now I knew Darren would want this for me. I’d felt the push of it against me at the bar. I’d want the same for him if he’d been the one left behind. I’d want him to show Hannah what a loving relationship looked like. I’d want him to bring someone into her life who wouldn’t replace me, but who could sort of fill some of the gaps and holes my absence had created.
I just didn’t know how to do that.
What was left of me to even give to someone else?
Darren had taken it all with him.
But a little voice inside me objected. It was a quiet scream somewhere deep inside of me saying I was the only liar around tonight. Brady hadn’t lied once.
He stepped back, edging toward the street, and the quiet voice inside was throwing up its hands and hollering at me to stop him. To not let him walk away without letting him know the kiss had been beautiful. Heart rendering…but beautiful.
So much so that I could see it spread out in color on a black canvas.
“I’ll see you atLa Musica de Ensueñostomorrow. Goodnight,Cari,” he said.
Then, he disappeared in the night, leaving me with so many different feelings I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to sift through them, neither one at a time nor in heaps. They were going to be stuck in a pile that would have to remain just that for a while. An unfixable knot ofemotions.
???
The sound of laughter burst through me. The musical chimes of my daughter’s giggles followed by the scrape of Molly’s nails on the wood floors as she chased Hannah. I opened my crust-covered lids, glancing in the direction of the clock. It was almost eight in the morning.
I hadn’t fallen asleep until well after four because of the tears and thoughts haunting me. I heard Stacy’s voice and the loud chatter of her son and daughter as if Kiran and Jalissa were arguing.
I dragged myself out of bed, pulling on a sweatshirt and a pair of leggings over the T-shirt and underwear I normally slept in. The chilly air settled over me with winter still fighting against the sunshine of spring.
When I got downstairs, Hannah had placed her top hat on the counter next to the stove while she stood on the stool, mixing something in a saucepan. I was 99.9% sure it was oatmeal.
“Sorry, did we wake you?” Stacy asked.
I shook my head, smiling. I pulled Hannah into my arms, kissing her neck and making her giggle as she fought against me. “I missed you,Chiquita.”
“I missed you too, Mommy,” she said.
