We spent the day getting ready for the party, and I was grateful for the help. It had morphed into a much bigger gathering than I’d originally planned, but I was thrilled Hannah was excited about it. That she was looking forward to something.
Midday, my phone buzzed.
THE BRADY O’NEIL: Can I come see you?
ME: My parents are here, so probably not a great idea.
THE BRADY O’NEIL: We need to talk.
ME: There’s nothing really to say.
THE BRADY O’NEIL: We both know that isn’t true.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. He tried a few more times during the day, and I couldn’t bring myself to respond any of the times. I didn’t know what to say to him. The guilt I felt was so harsh and overpowering it was hard to see past it. How quickly and easily I’d let my guard down for him was something I couldn’t quite forgive myself for. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine.
Nash called, and I let it go to voicemail as well. When I checked later, it was just to let me know what time he and Dani were arriving for the party. But there was a tone in it that said he was in his Nash-the-man-who-has-to-save-me mode. The one he’d been in when Darren had died. The one he’d stayed in until I’d kicked him out of my house and he’d found somebody else to protect—the woman he loved more than life itself.
It stabbed at me. Love. The love I’d had for Darren was like that. All-consuming, overwhelming. My entire world. I’d forgotten that in order to feel something for Brady. Another overwhelming, all-consuming kind of man.
Mom helped Hannah get ready for bed as Dad and I finished hanging the last set of balloons on the porch, and when we came back inside, music from Hannah’s keyboard was filling the air. I went upstairs to check on them and make sure she actually made it into bed.
My mom was sitting on the mattress, watching as my daughter’s fingers flew along the keyboard. When the song was over, Hannah turned around, a worried frown on her face. “Do you think he’ll like it, Grammie?”
My mom had her hand on her chest. “If you’d made it for me, I’d say it was the best thing anyone had given me, so I can’t imagine him not liking it.”
Hannah sighed, relief coasting over her face, and my gut swirled as I realized the song was the one Hannah had said she’d made up for Brady. The notes had been full of happiness, like Brady himself often was. Joy and smiles and flirtation. It had been full of the dancing fairy notes she’d added at the end of the song he’d made up. My daughter had found a missing piece in him just like I’d thought I had.
“Time for bed! We don’t want the birthday girl to be falling asleep in her cake,” I said over the emotions.
I tucked my girl in with my normal words of infinity, kissed her on the cheek, and then we left with the lava lamp glowing and the door cracked. It all felt so normal, but also different because Brady had changed things for both of us.
“I can’t believe she made that song up,” Mom said as we headed downstairs. “Your grandmother was right. She’s much more than just talented.”
My throat closed at the mention of Grams. I could only nod.
“How are things going with you and Brady?” Mom asked.
My heart twisted painfully, screaming at me for blocking him out and sending him away. For ending it. This wasa death, too. One I was forcing. And that knowledge stabbed more holes into me. Holes I’d thought were being filled but had really left behind even more gaps and spaces.
“Honestly, Mom, I don’t think it’s going to work,” I finally said.
“Why not?” She looked concerned.
“For many reasons, but mostly because his life is way bigger than this.” I waved my hand around the house but meant my world.
“Tristan?”
“I love you, and I love that you’re concerned about me, but I don’t want to focus on Brady right now. I want to focus on Hannah, and the festival, and the store.”
“You’re turning into her. She lived alone after Dad died, and she didn’t need to,” Mom said, and that made me pause. The fact that Mom had seen the solitary life Grams had lived. Grams had been in her sixties when Gramps had died, and she’d never talked about her timewithouthim. She’d only ever talked about their life together. She’d shown me, without words, how she understood my grief, but we’d never really talked about what came after the grief. Maybe neither of us had ever believed there was supposed to be something after it.
Or maybe it was only what I wanted to see because there had certainly been something between Grams and Alejandro. But not enough for her to make a life with him. Maybe that was all that I could have, too. A fling here and there.
It wasn’t what my mom wanted to hear from me.
“I’m not saying I’m never going to move on, but I’m also not sure I’m ready for anything serious right now. It isn’t fair to Brady or Hannah if I let them assume we’re going to be closer than we are,” I said, the words tearing at me.Liar, my heart screamed.
But I wasn’t sure I was lying. If I felt so completely and utterly unfaithful to Darren with the mere mention of his name, it had to mean it was too soon to move on. Didn’t it?
