“Everyone said time would help. But it hasn’t helped at all. It was like I felt guiltier and guiltier every day that went by. Until I wasn’t even sure it was because of my last words to you or because in my heart I knew that I wanted to live my life again.” I wiped away my tears. “I wanted you. I wanted you to be my wife. The mother of my kids. My family. But I can’t have you. And I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”
“This is goodbye,” I said. “Not forever. I just…need some space to give Kennedy and me a real chance. You understand, right? You’d want this, wouldn’t you?” I’d want it for her. I’d never want her to be miserable. She couldn’t possibly want me to keep living in hell.
“I would do anything to go back in time and do things differently. Say anything else to you. Tell you anything so you didn’t hurt when you left this world. Something to make your heart happy. And I don’t ever want to forget about you. Or what we had. But I have to let this go before I drown.”
I slowly stood up. “I love you.”But I’m ready to move on.I touched the top of her gravestone. And then patted Uncle Jim’s too before walking out of the graveyard. I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life. I slid the engagement ring into my pocket. I needed to talk to Kennedy.
Matchmaker - Chapter 45
Saturday
Kennedy
The teakettle started whistling. I immediately pulled it off the stove before it made too much noise. My mom was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her. But I couldn’t sleep. And tea always seemed to help.
I poured the hot water into a mug and added a tea bag. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wasn’t sure how much tea would help the fact that I couldn’t stop crying.
“Mi amor, what are you doing up this late?”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “I’m sorry, Mama. Did I wake you?” I cleared my throat. “I just needed some tea. You should go back to sleep.”
“Kennedy.” She lightly touched my chin so that I’d look at her. “Why the tears?”
I couldn’t help my bottom lip shaking. “I messed everything up.”
“Nunca.” She pulled my head down onto her shoulder. “You couldn’t possibly.”
“I did.”
She rubbed her hand up and down my back. “Was it Matt? Did he hurt you?”
I lifted my head. “No.” I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.” I sniffed. “Quite the opposite.” It was scary to say the words I needed to say out loud. It made them too real. It made it so easy for me to get hurt. But if I couldn’t even say them to my mom, how would I ever say them to Matt? “I think I might love him.”
My mom just nodded. And then turned and poured herself a cup of tea too. “Tell me everything.” She sat down on the couch.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I sat down next to her. “I wasn’t even going to look him up when I got back to the city. But we ran into each other. And one thing led to another. And…I just…he understands me. He respects me, Mama. He’s kind and caring. And everything I’ve never had before. But I don’t know what I’m doing. He was engaged to Brooklyn. What the hell am I doing?”
My mom grabbed my hand. “Life is short. And you can’t help who you love. But you can help if you curse.”
I would have laughed if my insides weren’t all twisted up. “But Matt? I can’t fall in love with him. It’s wrong.”
“I think the damage is already done.”
I shook my head.
“Mija.” She held my hand between hers. “You said you’re falling in love with him. Has he fallen too?”
“I think so.” I thought about how he didn’t deny loving me when I brought up what Tanner had said. And how he’d kissed me. And how he’d kept pursuing me even after I tried to stop it. I tried. I did. But I didn’t want to fight it anymore.
Matthew Caldwell wasn’t mine to have. But it had happened anyway. “She’d be so angry with me.”
“The dead can’t talk.”
“I visited her grave. And there were so many dead flowers on it. I think he visits her all the time. I think I’m falling in love with someone who will never love me most. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”
“He’s not wrong people. He’s a good boy.”
“But not for me. I feel so guilty. It feels like the guilt is going to swallow me whole. My stomach is twisted in knots and I can’t sleep. I’m miserable. Love isn’t supposed to feel this way.”
