Me: I’m coming. Thanks for being there for her.
I leave right away, anxious to get to her and make things right between us. I need to explain that all I want at the end of the day is to keep her safe, but last night it came across as me being pushy and inconsiderate of her feelings.
The entire drive to my mother’s house, I am running over what I want to say to her. I really want to mend the distance I created. Every time I get close to her, things go wrong, and she distances herself again. I wish there was a way for us to be properly connected, a team. Trusting each other.
I want that.
Parking just outside the front door of my mother’s house, I climb out of my car and glance at the sky. It’s a gorgeous afternoon. The sky is patterned with white clouds and the breeze is soft and warm.
I take a deep breath, mentally preparing myself, then head up the front steps, taking them two at a time.
The door is unlocked, so I let myself in.
“Hi,” I shout through the house.
“Mom’s not here, she went out for a minute. We’re in the TV room,” Belle calls out.
When I walk in, Ulyana glances at me, smiles tightly and then looks away again. She’s sullen. Belle picks up a throw pillow and tosses it at me playfully.
“Hey you. How was work?” she asks, picking up the remote and muting the program they were watching.
“Same old same old. And you guys? Been having a good day?”
The whole time I’m small-talking with my sister I’m watching Ulyana. She’s avoiding eye contact, fidgeting with a tassel on one of the pillows, biting at her bottom lip.
“Yana, can we talk?” I ask, my eyes locked on her.
Belle stands up. “I think I want a coffee. Does anyone else want a coffee?”
“No, thanks,” Ulyana and I answer at the same time.
Belle hurries out of the living room, shooting me a tight smile full of messages I can’t read.
I sit down next to Ulyana on the sofa, turning my body to face her.
“Yana, I’m really sorry about how I handled last night. I didn’t give you the space or security to feel safe enough to talk about how you felt without being judged, and I’m very sorry for that. It wasn’t my intention.”
She glances at me. Scrunches her nose. “Okay. It’s okay,” she says, then returns her attention to the tassel.
I reach over and gently take the pillow from her hands. She huffs and presses her lips together.
“Hey, look at me,” I ask her softly.
She does, but she’s reluctant.
“I really mean it. I’m sorry. I don’t want there to be this wall between us.”
She bites at her bottom lip again and closes her eyes. Something is bothering her. Maybe I had the wrong idea about everything. Either way, I needed to apologize. But how do I get her to open up to me now?
Ulyana swallows hard, as though she’s struggling for words. She takes a deep slow breath and opens her mouth to speak, but instead she starts crying. It breaks my heart to see.
I shift closer to her and pull her against my chest.
“Hey, little fox, come on now. I’m here. I’m here for you. Talk to me. Whatever it is I want to help.”
She scrunches her nose, fighting the tears, trying to shove her emotional responses down.
I wait a moment, holding her, looking down at her face, trying to read her. I can’t. Something is hurting her, and I don’t know what it is. Is it me? Did I do something?
