I nod, patting his back as I walk past him to Rosie, who’s alone. She kisses my cheek, breathing in. My shame heightens in her presence. “Izzy isn’t here, right?”
“No, I figured you wouldn’t have the energy today.”
She hesitates to let go of my hand as I approach Courtney, who is meticulously setting the table. Every dish she has ever made for Sophie and me in the city covers the long table, enough to feed a dozen. I'm sure it’s her own way of coping.
“Courtney.”
She shakes her head, unable to look at me. I know she’s hurting and that she hates seeing me like this. But deep down, I fear she blames me, just as I blame myself. Her words from the party are always present in my mind.
“Court.”
She begins to weep, the silverware crashing onto the table. Everyone in the room goes quiet as I wrap my arms around her.
“Ihatethis!” she wails.
My eyes, they burn. “Me too.”
Amidst suffering, they find a way to laugh.
It never feels forced, even though it must be.
Dante was the first to break the silence, relaying the chaotic details of his and Mimi’s meeting with the wedding coordinator. He must’ve mentioned it to me before, but I can’t remember. I can’t remember much these days.
A master storyteller, he managed to crack a few of the glum faces. When he eventually brought up Sophie, cautious eyes darted toward me.
I only stared at him, waiting for more.
Through many tears, they all partook in remembering her. Courtney spoke of Sophie’s childhood, uncovering aspects of my wife that even I was unaware of.
In this room, Sophie is alive.
My eyes drift to the empty seat across the table, reliving the past. The dinners we shared here, once as strangers and later as husband and wife. In some memories, she observes me cautiously, reluctant to smile. In others, she sits beside me, gripping my hand for dear life, just out of my father’s view.
As everyone disperses to bring out desserts, coffee, and a cake they made in her memory, I'm left staring at Courtney from the other side of the table.
She smiles softly. “Did you know she came to see me in New York one day you were out working? She told me she was late. Her cycle was off.”
My breathing sharpens. “No, I didn’t know.”
“It wasn’t a baby, but that night, she thought it was. She was so terrified. She never wanted one.” I drop my head with a nod. Yes. For months, we used protection for that very reason. “When she realized it would be yours and look like you, she wasn’t crying anymore. She couldn’t stop smiling, imagining how happy you’d be about the news.”
Our night on the train makes sense now. How she guided herself onto me, an acceptance shining in her eyes.
You… You changed everything.
“I can’t accept that she’s gone, Court.”
She smiles softly. “Neither can I.”
“I'm still searching.”
“I knew you would be.” She glances at the kitchen, hearing clanging dishes. “You would never give up on our girl.”
My eyes squeeze closed. “And if I find her? Find her and she’s… gone?”
Her lips pale as she presses them together, struggling to maintain her composure. “Either way, you bring her home.”
Sophie/Cara
