I go into my bathroom, shut the door, and lean against it, breathing in deeply. I’m finally alone.
I step in front of my mirror, not even surprised at how I look. The dark makeup is dried, covering half my face from the crying. I undress in a mechanical fashion and step into scalding water. It’s probably burning my flesh right off the bone, but it still feels good. I just want their hands off me. I want to stop feeling their hands on me.
I snatch up the loofah and scrub my body.
I can still smell their breath.
Hear the blade cutting my fabric just above my body.
See the glazed look in their eyes indicating they had probably been drinking all night and then some.
Feel their hands pulling at me as if I were a rag doll, a piece of trash for them to use and throw out.
I don’t even realize it right away, but recalling what happened forces me to the floor of the shower and I curl into myself, releasing the sobs into my hands. I don’t know how long I’m there but I hear a timid knock on the door.
“Darcy?”
“Y-Yes?” I wipe underneath my eyes.
The door clicks open and I know he’s inside. “I made tea. Are you okay? You’ve been in here a while.”
“Yeah, I’m good. I’ll be right out.”
My voice cracks at the end of my sentence, betraying me. I know he heard it.
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I can’t feel my hands.” I shiver, feeling the temperature dropping drastically in the shower.
Am I going into shock?
“Uh, I don’t…will you…can I see you?” He tumbles over his words. I don’t think I’ve ever heard his voice that weak.
“Okay,” I half-whisper/half-sob.
Benjamin opens the curtain. His mouth parts slightly in shock, but he recovers quickly and bends down.
“God, Darcy. Why wouldn’t you tell me you were like this? You should have called me in sooner.” He takes my hands, blowing on them. Without asking, he reaches over for the shampoo and drops some into his hands, washing and then rinsing my hair.
***
“I’ve never bathed someone else,” Benjamin confesses with a chuckle, helping me stand. He takes a blue towel off the rack and he holds it open for me to step into it. “Did I pass?”
All I can do is nod. I don’t want to cry anymore. Still standing in the tub, I wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him into me. The gratitude I have for this man is unspeakable. He’s not a jerk, he’s an actual decent guy. A decent guy who handles things badly but a good guy altogether. He recovers from the surprise of the impact and holds me just as tightly.
“God, Ben. I don’t…I don’t even know what to say.” I nuzzle my face into his chest. He isn’t complaining that I’m getting him wet. He doesn’t complain about anything.
He helps me out of the tub. Reaching in my drawer, he takes out my nightgown and panties and hands them to me. I survey his drenched clothes and shake my head.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hugged you.” He looks down at himself. “Uh, I could dry them for you if you want. I don’t have anything your size though.”
“You’ve seen me in my briefs. I guess that’s fine.” In a flash he pulls the wet t-shirt over his head.
I spin around. It feels wrong to look. I’ve dreamt so many times of seeing his body again, but not like this. Not in this state of awkwardness. Not after the night I’ve had.
“I’m going to go change. Just leave the clothes there. I’ll put them in the dryer.” I return to the bathroom.
***
