“What areyouafraid of?” The look on Flash’s face was the most vulnerable Athena had ever seen there, including the night of the pizza bomb.
Athena swallowed, deciding not to hold back and to respond with absolute candor. “I’m afraid you’ll break my heart. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to keep up with you, that you’ll decide I’m too old, and that, even though you would never mean to hurt me, it’s going to happen. Maybe you’ll stay with me out of loyalty, but then that younger, attractive, vigorous woman with seduction on her agenda will lure you into infidelity, and you’ll feel guilty when you try to hide it from me. What we have will sour until one of us walks away. Then I’ll never see Snuffles again.”
Flash’s jaw dropped. “Athena, that’s not going to happen. I’m the one who’s racing to try to keep pace with you. And I’ve already turned down flirtatious women’s advances since we started dating. I don’t want anyone else. Why is that hard for you to comprehend? I’m the one who’s worried I can’t live up toyourexpectations.”
Nudging closer, Athena caressed Flash’s cheek and peered into her eyes. “You exceed my expectations every day. I don’t understand why you don’t want to be an officer when you are more than qualified and a natural leader, but I never meant to offend you by asking. And it isn’t a requirement for me to love you or want to be with you. Regardless of money, rank, age, or position, you are more than enough for me.”
Flash dropped her gaze, nuzzling her face into Athena’s palm. “You’d really miss Snuffles?”
“I’d be broken-hearted—twice.”
After a soulful kiss to Athena’s hand, Flash leaned her head on her shoulder. Athena enveloped her in her arms, dropping a kiss to her forehead, and held her, allowing all the hurt and anger to fade.
“I’m afraid of being afraid,” Flash confessed. “I’m sorry for reacting so emotionally to a simple question, but the fact is I’d rather exhibit anger than vulnerability. I feel like I always have to be the strongest one in the room, but I suppose you do too. Baring all, I don’t want the responsibility. It’s one thing to risk my life, put my neck on the line, and something entirely different to give the order that puts others at risk. What happened this summer was bad enough, and I didn’t tell Smokey to get the pizza or Johnson to open the box. They did that on their own, and it almost broke me. What if, as a lieutenant, I make a wrong call and someone under my command gets hurt or killed? How would I live with myself?”
Flash’s admission found a kindred spirit in Athena’s soul. Some people might seek power and authority for its own sake, out of ego or a competitive drive to rocket to the top, but not Athena. When it was time for her first promotion, she’d grappled with the same matter, wondering if she could issue that command, or how she’d cope with the loss of an agent. Still, the weight of that responsibility never left her. Martin Cruz hadn’t been the first agent under her authority who’d died in the line of duty, but his loss was the most recent, and the one she had to compartmentalize. Maybe Flash would have to experience it all for herself in the school of hard knocks since words don’t teach. Then again, with any luck, she could benefit from hearing how Athena had worked through her reservations.
“I wrestled with the same feelings when I moved up in the bureau,” she said as she stroked Flash’s arm, keeping her snug in her embrace. “It’s not weakness, Flash. Everyone’s afraid sometimes. Oh, maybe a robot, but you, my feisty, passionate lover, are no emotionless robot.”
“I know it hurt you to lose Agent Cruz.”
Athena nodded, brushing another kiss to Flash’s brow. “I weighed all the factors and asked myself some tough questions, demanding I answer honestly. Was I the most qualified candidate for the position? On paper, in experience, and in my heart and mind, I had to answer yes. Did I believe I could best lead a team in revealing criminals’ identities, tracking them down, and apprehending them? Yes. Then what about the possibility of losing agents under my command? I had to consider the alternative—having agents, and possibly civilians as well, die if someone less qualified than I was in charge. There’s also the pride and valor of the agents themselves, the men and women who swear their oath to give their lives in defense of the Constitution and to safeguard citizens’ lives. If I take their sacrifice on myself, it diminishes their dedication, their choice to rush into danger to protect the common good. I know you firefighters are the same way. What if you had opened the pizza box? How would Engineer Alverez have felt?”
“Probably guilty, but more of survivor’s guilt,” Flash answered thoughtfully. “It wasn’t his fault the gang was trying to kill me.”
“And it wasn’t yours, either,” Athena reminded her in a pointed tone, squeezing her shoulders. “You went back for Firefighter Woods at the warehouse, even though you had all been ordered to evacuate. What if you hadn’t made it out, and Captain O’Riley was trapped and killed too, when he came to help? Would that have been your fault? There are so many variables, a plethora of split-second decisions that hold life and death in the balance in both our jobs, regardless of the rank held. Do you save lives?”
“Yes.”
“Do you save everybody?”
“Sometimes it’s impossible,” Flash answered. “I don’t like it, but I realize we can’t save everyone.”
“Does Lieutenant Edwards inspire your crew? Do they feel confident under his leadership?”
Flash remained in silent contemplation.
“Doyouinspire other firefighters and give them confidence? Do they follow your lead?” Athena asked.
“I would hope I inspire them, and, well, yes, they often follow my lead, but that’s because I know what I’m doing. At the wildfire, I told them to follow me jumping through a wall of flames because I’d done it before, and I knew it would work.”
“Exactly. Now, what if you hadn’t been there?” Athena questioned.
“They’d have found another way out,” Flash replied quickly. After a brief pause, she added, “I think. I mean, it was a seriously dangerous situation. The guy in charge didn’t comprehend the conditions on the ground and left us there too long. The wind had shifted, and the fire was blazing right for us. It jumped a stream, flanking us. More than half the crew made it to the trucks, but a small group of us were cut off.”
“And what would you have done if you had been in charge?”
“I would have ordered our crew out sooner, but the chief was operating with the information he had. I don’t blame him for almost being toasted crispies.”
“Were you the senior leader on the ground?” Athena prompted.
“No, but the lieutenant supported my suggestion.”
“And your suggestion saved your crewmembers’ lives?”
“Well.” Flash sat up and turned to look at Athena. “I suppose so. We were out of options, other than to hunker down in the middle of the creek under fire tents and hope for the best. But I knew my plan would work.”
“And if the lieutenant had rejected your plan?” Athena raised a speculative brow at Flash.
