“I have to go see her.” I close my eyes as nerves swarm my stomach.
“Do you want me to go with you?” she asks.
“No.” I shake my head. I don’t want to add anymore stress to her plate. “This is my problem. I’ll deal with it.”
“You know you have a family of people who are always here for you. You don’t have to do this alone.”
I want to ask her, if that's true then why is she choosing to go through her pain alone. I might not know what’s going on inside that pretty little head of hers, but I know there’s something. And while I want to ask her to open up, I don’t want to push her.
“I know. And I’m so blessed to have you all.” I take the hand that’s on my knee and bring it up to my lips, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “But I think I need to do this on my own.”
“I love you.” She smiles. “And I’m proud of you.”
“I love you more.” I grin back. “And thank you. It means the world to me.”
Since everything that happened with Donny the other day, and her confession about sleeping with Lennox, she’s seemeda little less stressed. Not by much, but she seems a little more relaxed.
I’m not sure whether it’s the false hope that the blackmailing threat is true that is the reason or not.
I want our suspicions about Lennox to be both true and not, at the same time. Because if he was blackmailed, then he’s been going through a world of pain all by himself. And we’ve been hating him for no reason. He might not have cheated on Rylee and Mateo at all, but was forced into something he didn’t want to do.
Just thinking about it makes me sick. We’ve been trying to get a hold of him, to see if we can meet up and talk, but he hasn’t been answering his phone, and we haven’t seen him at school.
With winter break coming up, as well as his wedding, our time is limited. We need to talk to him before the wedding happens. To hear his truth and go from there. If not, I don’t think any of us are ever going to be able to get over this.
With school and cheer, and working hard almost every day to get ready for Nationals, it’s been so easy to forget about the real world. But then there’s moments like this, where everything is quiet, and it all comes rushing back.
At least, if I go see my mom, it’s one thing I can mark off my list, and maybe I'll be able to breathe a little easier.
I love my mom, and while I don’t believe we can ever have the relationship we once did when Katie was alive, I’d like to at least make my peace and see what we might be able to salvage.
After kissing Rylee goodbye, I grab my car keys and wallet before leaving the cheer house.
It’s better to get this done now before I chicken out again.
I’m lost in my head for the duration of the drive to the facility, and by the time I pull into the parking lot, I’ve worked myself up into a mess.
“You can do this, Colton,” I tell myself, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths to try and relax my racing heart.
The truth is, I'm honestly afraid to go in there. Not because I don’t believe that my mother has changed—from what her voicemails and the workers have told me, she has. It’s the fact I don’t remember what it’s like being around my mother when she’s healthy. All I know is her high on benzos, or drunk out of her mind. I can’t remember the last time I had a full conversation with her when she was in her right mind, sober.
But what I’m most afraid of is seeing her healthy, building that relationship with her again, only to have it come crashing down around me.
She’s all I have left of my old life. Dad has nothing to do with me, and my favorite person on this earth is gone.
I’m beyond glad I have Rylee and the guys, because without them, I’d be alone. I’d have nothing.
They gave me a family when the one I had didn’t want me.
I don’t think I can handle getting hurt by her again. And if she does, I know in my heart, I’d cut her off for good. Even if it pained me to do so.
It’s not healthy to keep people who constantly hurt you in your life.
“Now or never,” I mutter. “Ah, hi,” I say when I reach the front desk.
“Hi.” The woman there gives me a friendly smile. “How can I help you?”
“I’m here to see my mom,” I answer, rubbing the back of my neck awkwardly. I already don’t like it here. Nothing against the place, I’m just not really sure how to act in these kinds of situations.
