“Same... actually, Jay—I think I might move back to St. Louis.”
Jane felt the color drain from her face. Why in the world would anyone of their own volition move to St. Louis? Did this mean he was giving up on them?
“Wow. I didn’t see that coming. Why?”
“It’s not for sure, just something I’m giving some serious thought. I’m sick of living with Keith, of all the projects he ropes me into....”
“I can see how that could be exasperating.”
“I don’t want to trade crypto all day. We took a big hit last week and it’s starting to stress me out, and I don’t think the world needs another CBD product, and I like playing guitar but, if I’m being honest with myself, I’m not good enough to be a professional musician. Also, we got banned from Twitch, which was one of our main income streams.”
“What happened?”
“Keith violated their polices more than once.”
“I’m sorry.” Jane wanted all the details, but also, really didn’t.
“I was really getting bored with it anyway,” Teddy said with a shrug.
“But what would you do in St. Louis?”
“I could work with my father, maybe. I don’t know, part of me would feel like a failure, I’m sure.”
“That’s not failure, Teddy, it makes a lot of sense.”
He looked at her, slightly wounded.
“So you want me to go?”
“That’s not what I am saying! Not at all.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I don’t know what’s best for you, Teddy, I don’t. To tell the truth, I don’t even know what’s best for me.”
Even as she said this, Jane felt like she was failing in a way that might be irrevocable.
They had gentle, needy sex, and Teddy ended up staying the night.
Should she have immediately protested, and told Teddy not to move back to St. Louis? That seemed so selfish. He was so vulnerable, and Jane felt herself alternately melting and hardening in response to it.
As usual, Teddy quickly fell into a deep sleep, his chest risingand falling in a hypnotic rhythm, the tiniest hint of a snore coming from his nose. Jane envied this deep slumber.
Too restless to fall asleep, Jane slipped out of bed. Since Teddy had been waiting for her when she got home, she hadn’t had time to go out to the detached garage. She threw on a bulky robe, went to the kitchen, and grabbed her Goyard tote bag. As she walked across the driveway, the air was bracingly cold.
She unlocked the door, turned on the light, and scanned the room: every carefully curated shelf, dowel, and container. Nothing was overstuffed, nothing was oppressive. Then an image of the stacks of emptiness at The Container Store surfaced and superimposed itself on her space. Would it be nihilistic to simply get rid of everything?
She took her Hermès scarf out of the tote, then carefully folded it and put it with her others. This was very soothing, very satisfying.
Next, she took a small pair of overalls out of her bag—OshKosh boys’ overalls that were clearly too small for Prescott. They were simple and practical, and Jane could tell he’d worn them a lot before he outgrew them. Her fingers tingled when she touched the soft denim. They seemed imbued with sweet boyishness.
Why on earth had she taken these? She would have to bring them to Goodwill. Yet something about them pleased her. One of the most hopeful, optimistic things a person could do is have a child—otherwise why would you want to shepherd another human through this world? Why would you set yourself up for so much potential worry, heartbreak, and disappointment if you didn’t believe in some sort of fundamental good? Of course, so many other impulses resulted in children: sexual ones, narcissistic ones, religious ones. But one thing didn’t have to preclude the other.
Teddy had always been unequivocal about his desire to have kids. She resented how much easier the decision was for men. They would never go through a pregnancy or be tethered to a child in the same way, with the expectations around nursing and nurturing and mothering.
Once again, Jane pondered freezing some eggs. It was expensive but could be money well spent. She wouldn’t have to make any decisions until she was ready. If she wanted to have a baby on her own, she could. If she wanted to have a baby when she was fifty, she could. And if she decided she didn’t want children at all, she would know it was a choice made with confidence and clarity.
Jane put the overalls on a padded hanger. She was stymied about the best place to hang them, finally deciding to clear space by moving her summer tops with her spring ones, then gently hung the overalls on the newly empty dowel, where they dangled alone, a solitary totem, either of ambivalence, or of hope.
