“Like what?” I asked, staring straight ahead. “What can you tell that horse that you can’t tell me?”
He was quiet for a spell. I picked up a dish and the dish cloth, and I was just about to ask him again when he started talking.
“Stuff like—like, if Spook had carried through with his plans for me…and somehow didn’t shoot me after…that I were gonna go to the river and take care of things myself.”
The dish in my hand slipped out of my fingers and thunked into the tin bowl, making a ringing sound that went straight through me. I stood there a moment, trying to collect myself and think about what I wanted to say to that—and how I wanted to say it.
I took a deep, steadying breath. I didn’t turn around.
“Are you sayin’…? Are you sayin’…you wouldn’t have come back to me?”
“Jimmy, I—”
I meant to give a sort of a hollow laugh, but it came out more of a gasp.
“I wouldn’t have known what happened. You would have disappeared, and I’d never have known Spook got you or where you were. I’d have thought you’d just decided you were done with me.”
Oscar made a sound of frustration behind me, and I flinched.
“See? This is why I tell them private things to my horse, because she don’t judge me or make demands like you do.”
I did turn around then, because I was so surprised by what he was saying.
“Demands? What kind of demands you think I make on you, boy, except for the ones you want me to make? I thought you liked when I was demandin’?”
“I’m not talkin’ about that! I’m not talking about what I like when we play our games. I’m talkin’ about… Hell, I don’t even know.” Oscar threw his hands in the air and sat down hard on the mattress of our bed. I gazed at him for a long while, and I realized he may just have had a point.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I reacted that way to you tellin’ me what you did, and I reckon I can’t blame you for them thoughts. But why do you think I’d judge you?”
“You said I was selfish for not thinkin’ of you, when all I could think about was Spook and what he was prob’ly gonna do to me!” Oscar brushed at his face with his hand. “How thehellwas I s’posed to know you were gonna come and shoot ‘im? I thought you were still asleep at the camp, or you’d only supposed I’d fucked off and wouldn’t even come lookin’?”
I blinked several times, putting myself in his place for maybe the first time since that incident. We were quiet for a long time, neither of us wanting to address what was happening.
“Why’re we fighting?” I said, after several minutes, when I couldn’t stand the silence any longer.
“I don’t know. I don’t rightly know,” Oscar said. “’Cept you don’t want me to go the barn and tell all my secrets to Onyx, and I don’t know why.”
“’Cause I want you to tell all your secrets to me,” I said. “I thought you loved me.” I’d never expected in all my life to sound so needy as I did in that moment. But as soon as I said it, I realized how selfish t’was.
“’Course I love you. But that don’t mean I gotta tell you everything I think in my silly, stupid head, do it?”
The absurdity of this discussion came to me in an instant, like a spark of illumination.
“No. No, I suppose it don’t.” I gave a little laugh, and t’was genuine this time. “What the hell do I know, anyway? I ain’t never been in love with nobody before. I don’t know how any of this works.” I held up my hands, the dishtowel in one of them.
Oscar nodded, and the corners of his sweet mouth started to twitch.
“I’m just as confused as you.”
“C’mere,” I said, tossing the cloth to the counter and opening my arms, hoping he’d forgive me.
He hesitated a second then he ambled o’er and let me pull him to my chest. His sinewy arms went around my waist, and he clutched onto me like he was afraid he was going to float away, and I was the only thing anchoring him.
“Jimmy, I—”
“Shh. Just be still,” I said, holding him like the precious thing he was.
We stood together like that for a spell. Then I started to speak.
