Luke’s face slowly collapsed, eyes sparkling with tears he fought to hold back. His right hand clenched into a fist, which he rubbed against his knee as if he were trying to wipe a stain out of his skin. “Because the guilt is all I have left. It’s all I have left.” His lost blue eyes pleaded silently with me to understand.
I nodded. “Okay, okay,” I said as softly as I could, leaning in and pulling him against me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this ever happened.”
He let me do this, rubbing his forehead against my shoulder, as if he had a headache he couldn’t get rid of. “They weren’t very good parents, but they were mine. And they didn’t deserve such a death,” Luke murmured.
We remained this way for a while until I was sure he had warmed up and recovered from his mini-breakdown. When he was ready to go, I helped dry him off and walked with him to the lockers where he put on his street clothes, moving slowly and deliberately. When he finished, he flashed me an uneasy smile. “God, I feel like such a dick.”
“What? Why?” I asked, moving closer and placing my hand on his arm.
“I didn’t want to unload all of that onto you.” He blinked quickly.
“I don’t think any differently of you, you know. Except I’m sorry you had to witness such a horrible thing. And I understand you a little better. Why you need to distract yourself with misbehavior now and then. Why you need some kind of punishment for something you shouldn’t feel guilty about, but do.”
He stared at me, his eyes widening. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“I think so. What does Adam say?” I straightened Luke’s shirt.
“Something similar.”
I smirked. “Then we’re probably on to something.”
We gazed at each other for a long moment. “I fucking loved the puppy stuff,” Luke said finally, and I knew he would be okay.
I blushed, gazing into those eyes and remembering the session with Lorraine. “Yeah, uh, me too. Quite an education.”
We opened the door and stepped out into the summer day. “Hey, does Noah know about your parents?”
Luke nodded as we walked the path to the bunkhouse. “Yeah.”
I looked down at my boots as I walked. “How come you didn’t want to tell me?”
Luke stopped and took my wrist, making me meet his gaze. “I’ve known you less than a month. What if you think I’m unhinged?” His eyes questioned me, searched mine to see if I did.
I held his gaze with confidence. “Luke. I’d think you were crazy if you weren’t fucked up about this. Anyone would be fucked up about this.”
He nodded, licking his lips, and let go of me. “Yeah. Maybe I don’t want to be fucked up.”
We resumed walking.
Luke nodded. “Adam tell you there was something that fucked me up?”
I nodded. “After we used his room. He said you might tell me someday.”
“Well, I told you,” Luke said, glancing at me.
I reached out and touched his hand. “Thank you for trusting me with your secrets. And for the record? You are the most perfect, beautiful, smart, kinky, sexy goddamn fuck-up I’ve ever met. I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”
*
When we got back to the bunkhouse, Luke stripped to his boxer briefs and climbed into bed.
I went into the washroom so as not to disturb him and spoke to Adam over the walkie-talkie.
“Hey, Adam. He seems a lot better. We’re at the bunkhouse. Over.”
“That’s great. Take the afternoon off, okay? Stay with Luke.”
“Copy that.”
