The next second, Cassian’s eyes are wide open, confusion and panic clouding his vision. “What…” He trails off, his breathing ragged as he slowly comes back to reality.
“I’m right here,” I soothe.
“Blakely,” he murmurs. “Blakely,” he says again, with more force behind my name.
I watch as his face turns from confusion to something resembling anger.
“My pills are on the dresser,” he growls.
It takes a second for me to realize he’s asking me to get his pills for him. I grab them and come back to his side. He snatches the bottle from my hand and swallows down two pills before exhaling and closing his eyes.
After a few moments of silence, Cassian opens his eyes and sits up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. I sit next to him, my heart sinking when he tenses.
“Are you okay?” I ask, my voice quiet and calm.
“I should be asking you that,” he responds, his voice raspy from shouting in his sleep. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, shame lacing his words.
“Sorry? For what? You had a bad dream.” I look over at Cassian, hating the wild look in his eyes and his slumped, defeated body posture. He must feel trapped in his head, and I hate that for him.
“I could have hurt you,” he grunts, closing his eyes. “My goddamn PTSD nightmares… Fuck, what the hell was I thinking?”
I’m unsure if he’s talking to himself or me at this point. Clearly, he’s in a bad headspace, but I don’t know how to help.
“Cassian,” I murmur, resting my head against his bicep.
He doesn’t move but doesn’t flinch away from my touch. “I don’t deserve you,” he whispers. “I’m too fucked up. I… I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I say, trying to speak some truth to him.
Cassian shakes his head. I can tell I’m losing him, so I decide to put it all on the line. Taking a deep breath, I shore up all my courage and tell him what’s been on my mind and heart since we shared our first kiss.
“I love you, Cassian.”
Silence spreads between us as I sit there with my heart in my hand.
“You can’t love me,” he finally responds. “I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone.”
“No, Cassian–”
He stands and puts on a pair of shorts before handing me some clothes Ari let me borrow until I’m able to go shopping for my own stuff. I furrow my brow, tilting my head to the side as I look up at him.
“Are you kicking me out?” I whisper, trying not to let my voice crack.
“I… You can’t stay here,” he stammers. Before I get a chance to ask what he means, Cassian grabs his phone from his bedside table and calls someone. “Wilder,” he growls. “Got a situation. Blakely needs to stay at your place tonight.”
“What?” I gasp. “Why? Cassian…”
He gives me a sharp look that has my protests dying on my lips. He’s determined to get rid of me. I see that now.
“She’s okay. I just… Fuck, I had a nightmare, and…” Wilder says something over the phone, and Cassian grunts in agreement. “I need her to be safe.”
He hangs up after that and heads into the living room. I’m left gaping after him, trying to wrap my mind around what just happened.
No more than two minutes later, there’s a soft knock on the door. I blink my eyes a few times, still in shock. Cassian wants me to stay with Wilder and Ari. For my protection.
I’m numb as I float through the bedroom door and into the living room. Is this happening? Wilder gives me a nod, and I see Ari standing next to him, concern painted on her pretty face.
She holds out her hand, and I take it, letting her pull me into a hug. “A girls’ night will be the perfect distraction,” she says, dragging me onto the porch while Wilder stays and exchanges words with Cassian.
