When her lips press into mine, I hold back the whimper wanting to break free. But that is the only thing I hold back. Her lips press into mine again, and I meet her effort, if not giving her more. If this is the only “real” kiss we share, I will make damn sure it’s worth it.
She wasn’t expecting me to match her passion. Her grasp on my face tenses with challenge and need. I know without a doubt that if her family was not in the room, this would be heading in a whole different direction.
I pull back first because she is showing no sign of stopping. Maybe she forgot we were surrounded by her family, but I most certainly did not.
I avoid everyone’s gaze as I turn around and face Emma and Oliver.
“Woo!” Noelle’s cheers fill the room. “I knew Carol would pull it off.”
Our judges look so confused, so I enlighten them. “Carol is our snowwoman.”
Looks of realization settle in their features. Emma and Oliver find a seat on the couch, Oliver stealing Noelle’s seat and Emma sitting on the armrest.
Feelings of fullness and gratitude envelop me. Even though this family is not mine, I will selfishly take them as long as I can.
As I sit and reflect on how amazing every single person in this room is, I can’t help but keep coming back to Noelle. Was that kiss real? I can pretend it was fake, say it was all for show. But I would be lying.
That kiss was the most genuinely real kiss. There was more emotion in that than any I ever shared with Nic or partners before.
But what does it mean if it was real, if she meant it as I did? What does that mean for us after this trip? Or even during the trip?
I know Nic and I are going to get a divorce. I think I have known that for a long time but refused to realize it. But Noelle made that clear to me. I’m not leaving Nic for Noelle. I’m leaving Nic for me.
Because I deserve someone who encourages me to beme. Someone who loves me unconditionally and so passionately that they can’t contain it. Someone who treats me with the utmost kindness.
Could that person really be Noelle?
8
Noelle
December 19
YESTERDAY WAS PEACEFUL ANDrelaxing. My family, Kat, and I ran some errands, stocking up on food, any last-minute gifts, and anything else we might need. It just felt so normal and natural, although everything with her feels that way.
On our way back to the house, Kat dozed off and rested her head on my shoulder. You know the unwritten rule of not moving when a pet is on you? Well, the same goes for Kat too. Why does everything about her make me just completely melt?
Once we got home, we unloaded everything, and Kat went to paint for a while. It took more strength than I’d thought it would to stop myself from going in there with her. But just as much as I enjoy my time alone, I’m sure she does too. Especially in this circumstance.
She spent a good four or five hours locked away with her brushes and paint before joining the rest of us downstairs. She looked so happy, so unapologetically herself. I couldn’t help but watch her. She has come so far in the short time we’ve known each other. I feel like she has started living for herself.
Maybe I’m romanticizing everything between us. But I have a hard time believing that when I catch her stealing glances at me or subtle touches when she passes by. The last day or so, she’s seemed to have taken a step back from flirting though.
Yesterday, everyone made an ornament for the tree. I, being the not crafty half of Kat and me, made a glitter pine cone with glue, glitter, and string. Kat painted Muffin on a tree cookie, which is a slice of a trunk of a tree. She captured Muffin’s sass and sweetness in such a small image. I was in awe of her once again.
Muffin is my baby. I love her more than most people in this world. For Kat and Muffin to already be such good friends warms my heart. And for her to choose to dedicate her ornament to Muffin meant more than she had probably intended. After everyone finished their ornament, we hung them on the tree.
Later last night, I kind of expected something to happen between us when we went to bed. But when we finally got in bed, she rolled over and said good night. I questioned if I had done something wrong, but I know I haven’t. I respect her space, and if she wants to step back a bit, I understand. I’m not going to push her and risk losing her altogether.
Which is why, this morning, when I woke up, I quietly left the room with Muffin, and let Kat sleep in as long as she pleased. My family was already wide awake when I went downstairs, breakfast spread out on the kitchen counter. The whole works—pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, coffee, and orange juice. Margot really outdid herself.
“Is Kat still sleeping?” Mom asks me as I start to fill up a plate.
Yawning, I nod my head, then say, “Yeah, she was still out cold, so I didn’t want to wake her.”
My mom tries to hold back her smile, but fails. “It’s nice, seeing you so happy, sweetie.”
Guilt and happiness battle to take the forefront of my mind. As much as I really do like Kat, I don’t know how much of this is real to her. Never has a moment between us been anything less than genuine on my end.
