My heart races. The silence is deafening. I feel the covers rise and fall with her breaths, which seem to be moving equally as fast as mine.
“Would you be okay if I played music while we slept? I can’t stand sleeping in silence,” Noelle asks, her voice a low whisper. She’s closer to me than I expected.
Rolling over to face her, I realize she has already done the same. Our faces are two feet apart, and the air between us is charged. But I’m not going to ruin the friendship we are building. Maybe she just wants to practice being flirty with me for when we’re with her family. Or I’m reading into all of this way too much.
But then she says, “You’re so beautiful.”
And with the way her gaze subtly drops to my lips, I don’t think I’m imagining it anymore. But as fast as she complimented me, she rolls over and plays Christmas music on her phone.
She doesn’t roll back over or say anything else. And I’m surprised when, minutes later, my eyes are heavy, and sleep gradually pulls me under.
December 15
Today is the most relaxed I have been in a very long time. Just because it has been stressless doesn’t mean there haven’t been moments of nerves and anxiety. Especially when, this morning, I woke up with Noelle pressed firmly against my body, her arm hooked around my waist.
Usually, I’m not a fan of cuddling, but I would love to find myself in the same position tomorrow morning. Every morning during this trip would be nice too. At first, when I realized that Noelle was wrapped around me, I almost shoved her off of me. But then she sighed, and the cutest little whimper snuck past her lips. I froze. It was so sweet and gentle, and it completely caught me by surprise.
It was then when my walls seemed to fall, if only for a second, and I enjoyed the moment as if it were real, as if we were real. As if I had woken up this morning in the arms of my girlfriend.
I lay there with her arm wrapped around me, completely encompassed in the smell of the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. She smelled sweet, like the most delicious sugar cookie with the softest undertone of cherry. I inhaled her scent over and over, pretending like it was a familiar one that I would recognize anywhere. As if burning into my memory.
Then, the bed shifted just slightly, and my moment of pretend came to an end.
She whispered my name to see if I was awake, which I totally ignored. That was when she did something I wasn’t expecting. She pulled me in a bit tighter, sighed, and went back to sleep, and eventually, I did, too, in a blanket of safety named Noelle.
Once I woke up, for good this time, Noelle was long gone. I took my sweet time in getting ready, including curling my hair and doing a full face of makeup. For no reason other than to make myself feel confident and cute. I don’t do this enough. When I get ready on a day-to-day basis, Nic is usually in the forefront of my mind, somehow choosing those things for me without a single word.
For my outfit, I chose leggings, the absolute softest long-sleeved red V-neck, and cream mid-calf crew socks, and I pulled my hair half up with a red hair tie that had two long red ribbons flowing down with my curls.
After I felt like the cutest version of me that I could create, I joined Noelle and her family downstairs. We spent the morning and afternoon playing board games. We played Monopoly, which Noelle totally won. She’ll never admit it, but I think she cheated. We also played charades, which I hadn’t thought families actually did. I’d thought that was just something they did in movies and on TV.
I got lost in the fun of it all, so wrapped up in the games and activities that I forgot who I was to all of these people. And that this was only temporary.
I’ve never been around a family so genuine. They care for each other so deeply; it is blatantly obvious in the way they interact.
As much as I’ve enjoyed this day, it is also sad. I might never have this—this true sense of family, of belonging. I love myself, and I’m my favorite person to hang out with. But all I have ever wanted is exactly what they have.
I used to dream about it as a kid. Fantasizing about the day when I would get adopted and get a family of my own. I thought some of my foster families would have adopted me, but it never happened. And as time passed, that dream shrank, eventually disappearing altogether.
But today, spending this time with Noelle and her family, has been like getting a glimpse at a dream that died long ago. Today alone made this whole crazy trip worth it, and the first day hasn’t even ended.
“How are we picking teams this year?” Ben asks the group as he joins all of us in the living room.
“Teams for what?” I whisper to Noelle, who is sitting next to me on the couch.
“Day ten is a snowball fight. We usually do two teams, picking them differently every year,” she whispers into my ear as she leans into my side.
An unexpected warm shiver dances down my body.
“Since this is the first year that the teams will actually be even, I say we draw sticks,” Ben suggests.
Nancy stands up, excitement causing her walk to have a fun little skip in it. “I know just the thing. Be right back.”
We all watch Nancy walk to the kitchen and rifle in one of the cupboards. She grabs a handful of, I think, candy canes, and then she does something that I can’t quite see before walking back over with pride in her smile.
She is cupping the candy canes in her hand, hiding the stems, with the hooks all sticking out of the top.
“The candy canes either have a green line or a red line on them. Your color is your team. I’m now realizing that red might not have been the best choice to stand out,” Nancy announces to us as she approaches Noelle with her hand outstretched. “Sweetie, your turn.”
