My feet find their way to my chair, and I scoot up next to her, taking her hand in mine. A lump instantly grows in my throat. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
I drop my head down to our intertwined hands.
Mom … come on. Mom, just wake up. Please.I can’t speak the words out loud. That would make this far too real.
I just want her to hug me, to hold me, to tell me everything will be okay. I just want her back.
The lump grows but refuses to burst free. I want to cry. I want to let everything out—every ounce of pain, frustration, anguish. But nothing comes. The dam is just too well built.
Stroking my thumb over her cool hand, I start singing the lullaby she used to sing to me every night as a kid. “Lullaby and good night, with roses bedight. With lilies o’er spread is baby’s wee bed.” Each word gets quieter and quieter as I go, drifting into silence again.
“I love you, Mom. Come back to me.” My lips press into the bluish skin on her hand.
I spend a good hour or two just sitting with her. I tell her about the job and the fun costumes and stuff. She would be excited for me but maybe a little hesitant that it’s at a nightclub.
I avoid the Alec topic at all costs, but he keeps popping his way into my mind.
I don’t speak of him once, but I definitely think of him repeatedly. And his stupid smile.
I feel a little better after leaving the hospital, having vented to my mom and getting out some of my frustrations.
Charlotte and I have to go shopping today.
Every Saturday, there’s a theme. Something fun, sometimes a little crazy. Tonight’s theme is angels—dark or light, up to us. I think Char wants to get a dark angel costume, but I’ll probably just stick to the classic white-winged angel.
But we have absolutely nothing to put toward this look—or any of the other looks for that matter. Next weekend is vampires, then it’s witches, then mermaids, then pirates, and then God knows what.
It does have a magical quality to it. Like stepping out of reality, which can be nice. Especially right now.
When I pull up to the house, Jack is outside, playing catch with Josh. Thankfully, Josh’s school is only part-time right now. So, he is always the one to pick Jack up and drop him off whenever I can’t.
Honestly, I’d be lost without him and Char. Hands down, I would not be able to do this alone.
Jack misses the catch when I draw his attention. He immediately lights up, waving to me. I can’t help the smile that stretches across my face.
Pulling into the garage, I barely get my door a foot open before Jack is trying to get in the car and onto my lap.
Laughs burst out of me. “Hi, buddy. How was your day?”
He throws his arms around my neck, pulling me into a tight hug, and my heart sinks to the floor. “I missed you, Mom.”
Sometimes, it’s too much—the love I have for this little human that I made.
I wrap my arms around his small body. “I missed you too.”
We sit in our hug for a moment before the little ball of energy needs to move again. I swear he has Red Bull pumping through his veins.
He hops off my lap and takes off for the yard again.
My brain hasn’t fully caught up with the present. It’s still in that hospital bed, stuck in that stale room.
I grab my bag and drag myself inside. I’m in no mood to go shopping. I’ll have to make something work for this costume from my own closet.
Would I be the world’s worst employee if I called in sick on the first day?
Ugh.
I glide up the stairs to my room, wishing I could’ve stayed with my mom longer—or not gone at all. I can’t get the image of her out of my head; it’s burned in place.
