I freeze, my heart skipping a beat. When I lift my gaze to meet his, I see something in his eyes that has my stomach in knots. For a moment, there’s a flicker of hope, the desperate desire to believe that he...
I chomp down on my ice cream, letting the brain freeze smack some sense into me.
“Let’s go look at those stalls.” My voice is bright as I desperatelytry to cling to the excitement of this afternoon. I don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to go down this road again.
I’ve taken a few steps, but the hand Ethan has wrapped around mine tugs me toward him, making me collide with his solid chest. His eyes search mine with an intensity that steals my breath. “You really seem to like avoidance, don’t you?”
I wet my lips, trying to maintain my composure while his proximity scrambles my thoughts. “And you really like to get on my nerves, don’t you?”
“How long are you going to play this dance with me, Natalie? I’ve made my intentions quite clear.”
The raw longing in his eyes makes me tremble, and I wish it didn’t affect me so deeply. “You had your chance once, Ethan. I told you before—I’m not going to be made a fool of again.”
“I made a mistake, Natalie. You can’t forgive that?”
“I don’t think I’m the forgiving type.” My voice comes out sharper than intended, defensive. “You’re wasting your time with me. There’s nothing I can give you anymore.”
“Can’t or won’t?” His gaze is unrelenting, and it makes me wonder which one it really is.
“Can’t,” I reply, exhaustion creeping into my voice. “What do you want? Do you want to sleep with me? Is that it? If I sleep with you, will you stop?”
Anger flashes in his eyes, swift and fierce. “No. That’s not what I want.”
His words take me by surprise, throwing me completely off balance. “Well, if you don’t want to have sex, then what is it? What are you looking for?”
He grips my chin, forcing me to look at him, and his voice is deep, filled with a longing that reaches somewhere inside me, awakening desires I thought I’d buried. “I want it all. I want every part of you, Natalie. I want your heart. I want to consume your every thought. I want my name on your every breath. I want to be all you can think about.”
My body trembles at his intensity, at the raw honesty in his confession. “Why? So this time when I break, it’s more satisfying?”
“What if I don’t let you break this time? Why are you so convinced I’m here to hurt you?”
My mouth goes dry. For a moment, I want to believe him desperately. I want to believe he’s changed. Maybe he has, but so have I. I’m not whole anymore. I’m broken inside.
My eyes grow wet as emotion overwhelms me suddenly. I push his hand away, stepping back. “I would have given anything for you to have said that five years ago. But I’m not that person anymore. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in making myself vulnerable to another person, Ethan, because people hurt you. They dig the knife in, then twist it over and over again until your heart is a bloodied mess. Fine. I believe you. You have changed, but I’m a different person now. Whatever you’re looking for in me, you won’t find it. My whole life is my work.”
“What about your dream of having a big family?” He grips my shoulders now, his jaw clenched with barely restrained emotion.
I lift my shoulders in a gesture that feels hollow. “That’s exactly what it is—a dream. I don’t see a family in my future, Ethan. If you were to ask me where I see myself in ten years, it’s working. That’s all I see. I don’t see love, and I don’t see a family. It’s me working, then going home to an empty apartment, and that’s all I want. It’s what makes me feel safe. And God knows, I need to feel safe.”
His face goes blank, all emotion carefully shuttered away, and I smile faintly at him—a sad, broken thing. “I don’t know why you used me back then or what your deal was with my brother. I don’t know why you dragged me into it, but it’s done. You’ve already heard my mother on the phone. She called me a whore.”
“She was lying,” he says through gritted teeth, and I laugh bitterly.
“How do you know that? How do you know I don’t go out every weekend and sleep with as many men as I can? How do you know I’m not taking multiple men to my bed? Is that the kind of person you want to be with?”
“Fine. That’s fine with me. I don’t care about that.”
I swallow hard, unsure how to deal with this side of him—this unwavering acceptance. “Ethan, even my own mother doesn’t like me. And who knows a girl better than her mother? You’re doing well for yourself. Don’t get entangled with me. I have nothing to give you.”
Each word that leaves my lips slashes against my heart, making it bleed. My own mother doesn’t like me. My brother tried to kill me. Maybe Sarah’s right and Ethan wants something more meaningful from me, but there’s nothing left in me to give him anymore, to give anyone. My heart is a mangled mess that no one can heal. My soul has so many cracks I can’t even begin to glue it together.
“I think I’m going to go back to the hotel now,” I say quietly, my heart aching with each breath. “This was fun. Let’s not do it again.”
I throw my ice cream into the trash with more force than necessary, and with an afterthought, I throw in the panda bear as well.
I don’t want to remember anything about today.
Let it be another bad dream.
