I shake my head frantically. “I can’t,” I whisper, tears blurring my vision.
I’m not in control. Not when I’m a slave to my demons. I ache for relief from everything bubbling and churning and heaving inside of me. Emotions I can’t give names to. They don’t seem to want to rest. My abuse happened fucking years ago. It shouldn’t define me, right? Why can’t I just be fucking normal?
My vision is so blurred with tears that I don’t catch him moving. His hand ensnares my wrist before I can make the first cut, knocking theknife onto the floor. Cain spins me and hauls my back against his chest, wrapping his long arms around me to keep me still.
I start screaming.
I just want to stop feeling.
I need something to turn off my brain.
Need to focus on the pain and not the things I don’t know how to fucking process.
Need to split my skin to bleedhimall out of my fucking DNA.
He had no right to touch me. To do those awful things to me. No right.
But nobody cared.
I tear into Cain’s inked forearms with my fingernails, leaving tracks of blood. He just clutches me tighter as he slides both of our bodies to the floor. I’m blanketed in him, and still I’m fighting against his hold.
I should be embarrassed. This behavior isn’t okay. It’s childish, fueled by too many explosive emotions warring for attention inside of me.
Cain doesn’t waver. He holds me through my meltdown. Holds me until my body finally tires of losing against his iron grip. With heavy breaths, I slouch against him.
He rests his forehead against my shoulder. “What is it, baby? Talk to me. Please. What do you need?”
“I need… I just need…” Words won’t even come out right. My brain feels scrambled. Though I’m no longer flailing, I’m still burning up on the inside. “I need to fight.”
“Okay. Done. I’ll call Rev.”
“No!” I jerk away from him enough to meet his pained expression. “I need to fight you.”
“Ezra, I’m not going to—”
“Prove that this doesn’t change things betweenus!”
Cain huffs out a frustrated breath. “I wouldn’t have fought you before those pictures, okay?”
I tense. “Because I’m weak.”
“Because I’m dangerous!” Cain snaps back. “Because I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone, and now it’s the only thing I know how to do!”
I rest a hand on his sternum, feeling his heart beating rapidly. The gold in his dark eyes looks molten as he stares down at me.
“Please, Cain,” I beg. “This is what I need.”
Cursing, he rises to pace his kitchen, leaving me puddled on the floor. Just when I think he’s going to refuse me, he storms to the front door and slams it open.
“Let’s go,” he orders. “Before I fucking change my mind.”
Silently, we make our way to the gym. We square up in the ring, both shirtless and barefoot. It’s way more intimate than I would have expected. Cain is honed in on my every movement, those beautiful, deep, soulful eyes tracking me like a hunter.
The promise of pain to come helps to center me. Makes me feel in control again.
I know this is fucked up, forcing him to hurt me. I know I won’t win. But I also can’t move forward, thinking Cain might treat me differently. That he might constantly be thinking about those disgusting pictures.
Cain strikes first, landing a shot to my ribs. It’s powerful, but I know he’s holding back.
