There was pounding on my door and some shouting from behind the thick wood, but it all sounded muffled to me, just like the sound of the doorbell had been.
When I got like this, I tended to shut down my senses to give my overactive brain a rest. It was like I zoned out of the real world for a while to keep out any pain. I wasn’t good with pain.
I felt a rush of cold air and heard the door slam, registering that someone was in my house.
“Vics?” Ollie’s voice filtered into my brain, but I still couldn’t move. “Where the bloody hell… argh!” The table I was under jerked in a sudden movement, making me flinch. “What the fuck is this thing doing in the hallway?”
“Ollie,” I heard Lottie say cautiously. “Look underneath.”
I kept staring straight ahead, with my arms wrapped around my knees.
“Hey, Vics.” Ollie’s deep voice was close now. “What’s going on?”
“We’ve been worried, sweetie,” Lottie said from my other side. It was good Lottie and Ollie were finally together. They made each other happy. Anyone could see that. Just because that kind of happiness wasn’t for me didn’t mean I couldn’t wish it for the people I loved. “I popped in this morning when you didn’t show at work to check you were okay, but nobody was here… At least Ithoughtnobody was here.”
“Victoria Harding,” Ollie said, using that bossy big brother tone he reserved for times he wanted Claire or me to listen to him. “How long have you been lying here under this thing? And why is one of Mike’s coffee tables slap-bang in the middle of your hallway? I nearly broke my leg tripping over it.”
Lottie cleared her throat. “Vicky, I really think you need to come out of there now. Have you eaten today?”
I could hear the worry in her tone. I didn’t want Lottie to worry about me. I wanted to be able to reassure her that I was fine. To tell both of them that they could go. Just go and enjoy their happiness together. I didn’t want to hold them back.
I was well aware of how much of a burden I was to Ollie. In fact, Mike’s words really brought into sharp relief how much of a burden I must be to everyone. I started to feel a little panicky again when a vision of his face telling me how I wasempty insideswam back into my consciousness.
His eyes, his beautiful eyes, were so full of disgust. He was disgusted… by me.
What on earth had I been thinking, asking him here? Of course, he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me. Of course, I wasn’t good enough for him. The irony was, he didn’t even know how much of a freak I actually could be. He seemedto think I was making some sort of sexual proposal to him, and that he’d been the next in a long line of men that I had worked my way through.
He had no idea that I’d never even kissed a man before. I was relieved that I hadn’t told him anything more, as clearly the idea of being with me, even for some sort of physical-only affair was totally abhorrent to him. If I’d managed to articulate how I wanted to spend some time with him, then maybe,maybe, try physical intimacy. Maybe just a kiss.
He’d have laughed in my face.
At least I managed to salvage some pride from the entire horrendous situation.
“Vicky.” Ollie’s tone was still set at bossy. “I’m going to put my hand on your shoulder, darling. Okay?”
I wanted to shake my head, but I still couldn’t get my body to cooperate with me. I needed to stay here and be very, very still. I didn’t want anyone to pull me back into the real world. Not yet.
Ollie sighed.
“I can’t leave you here, Vics,” he said as his large hand settled on my shoulder.
My body did react to that, though. Even though he’d warned me, I still flinched away from him, jerking to the side to shake off his hand. My whole body screamed at me with that movement as my muscles had all seized up from being held still in one place for so long.
“You’re okay, Vicky,” Ollie continued in that bossy, determined tone. “You’re going to befine. We just need to get you out from under here.”
“Ollie,” Lottie said in a soft, concerned voice. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Should we?—?”
“No!” I shouted. Or at least, I tried to shout, but it came out as more of a weak, hoarse cry—my throat had seized up, and my mouth was dry from lack of fluids.
Ollie’s arms were around me now, and he was dragging me out from under the table.
I fought him as much as I could with my seized-up muscles and weak protests, but Ollie was strong, and he easily pulled me out and up into his arms. I kept struggling against him as he carried me into the sitting room and sat down on one of my white sofas with me in his lap.
For a few minutes I carried on fighting, but his arms stayed tight around me, and eventually, I just simply didn’t have the energy anymore. I closed my eyes and went limp in his hold, and he gathered me up closer to him, tight in his strong arms.
I wasn’t good with light touch, couldn’t ever hold hands with anyone, and needed warning before physical contact, but tight hugs like the one Ollie was giving me could unlock something inside me. Tight hugs from someone I trusted had the power to calm me down, even at the height of one of my meltdowns.
I hadn’t cried all day. I’d just curled up under that table and stared into space, but now, with my half-brother’s arms tight around me, and the feel of Lottie’s hand on my back, I let the tears fall. I let myself soak Ollie’s shirt as he swore softly and gathered me closer. There were no sobs or really, any sound. It was rare that I cried, but when I did, it was always silent.
